Don’t be surprised! Jordan is one of these countries that if you are a woman and did not marry before the age of 25; panic attacks start hitting your family and specifically your mother, and they start doing their best to change this status to married so that they can finally rest and breathe that they did what they were supposed to do.

So what happens if you hit the critical age of 25 and you are still single? From my experience; it is quite a change. I will tell you here about some of the things that will start taking place; they start very shyly but then they become aggressive in nature and you can no longer ignore them.

Suddenly; your mother wants to take you with her to any social call she is making, even if you don’t know the people or you don’t have anything in common with them; your mom will do her best to show you around to her friends and relatives and will go on and on about how successful you are, smart, obedient and how you would make a great wife and mother.

When you go to wedding parties, women will salute you and say in a low tone: By God’s will; next time it will be your turn!! When will they learn that this is not a nice wish? It is as if saying we hope that one day you will get married as if this is the ultimate achievement in life!

As years go by and there is no courageous knight to come on his white horse and sweep you off your feet; the panic becomes terror and your family can no longer hide their fear from you; you will see it and feel it in everything they do or say; you do your best to reassure that you are ok with it, but still they don’t want to leave you behind alone in this world; which is something I understand especially in our society, because you will not be left alone, and every man in your family would feel that he has the right to be your custodian no matter how old you are or what social status you have; as long as you are still single; you don’t have the right to control your own life.

The big disaster takes place when your younger sister is being courted or proposed to. Your parents fall in a dilemma of traditional convictions that the younger must not marry before the elder. They don’t want to hurt the elder’s feelings and lessen her chances in getting a good husband, and at the same time, they don’t want to stand in the way of the happiness of the younger. I really feel sorry for these parents; as they keep thinking of their daughters and they keep repeating the famous Arabic saying: “ham el banat le el mamat”, which means that worry about daughters, keep haunting you till you die.

They start giving up when their daughter hits the 30′s and she is still unmarried; and they start thinking of alternative solutions to make her life livable. They start giving her more privileges; she can stay out later than before, she can travel sometimes, and all the time they are hoping that one day; she will get married.

What is really sad about this, is that the community treats a woman of such status as if there is something wrong with her, or assuming that she is not good enough to marry one of the great guys out there. Assumptions about her past and morals start becoming the gossip of town, some would say that they heard she had lots of boyfriends in the past, and that’s why no one wants her, or that she would give any man a hard time because she is demanding, or that she is arrogant and snobbish, and many other creative stories about the reason that she is still not belonging to a man!

The most tragic thing is that when married men start proposing to her to become their second wife, assuming that she is past the age of marriage; she will definitely compromise and she should thank God that some man even thought of marrying her, as if he is doing her a favor. Some men would think that such a woman is easier to get and nail because she is desperate, and that she would be grateful if they gave her the time of the day.

No one assumes that she might be happy just the way things are, and the fact that she did not marry till now makes her insist on not compromising when it comes to the man she will spend her life with. If he did not bring something good in her life to add value; then why should she accept it? Why would she complicate her life?

Those who fall in the trap that the community designs for them, make it easier for people to believe all the bad assumptions about this woman.

Sad truth is; a woman does not get the respect she deserves unless she belonged to a man under the name of marriage. Rare are those women who can make it in our culture and survive all these setbacks. However; the fear will always be there, she will be perceived as a less of a woman and she will be treated with pity!

I have always believed that it is wrong to marry for the fear of not being married; marriage is a sacred bond that should be formed between two people who want and choose to spend their lives together because they found real happiness in this unity. I believe that I will marry someone because I love him and I will not love someone because I will marry him; if you think about it; you will find that it makes a lot of sense; if only they understand and leave us the heck alone; if we marry or don’t marry; that affects only us, so save yourselves the headache of following up on our lives that do not concern you!

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There comes a time in our lives when we feel that we can make it on our own, and that we can face the world alone, to experience independency in its most glorious forms. It’s a nice dream that keeps tickling our imagination, but the reality hits it hard in the guts reminding us that we are in the Middle East.

We come in life and don’t choose our families or even names. Even the decision of conceiving us is one that is taken by someone else; i.e. our parents. We are born to a strange environment; we get out of a world that was ours to a world that controls us through every aspect of it.

We grow up and get used to being told what to wear, what to do, what to eat and the list keeps going one and on.

We start school and we are directed towards something that others draw for us, and more often that not; it seems that we are there to make someone else’s dream come true.

We live in the taboo culture; don’t do this and don’t do that. It reminds me of Bart Simpson when he used to say: you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t; nothing seems to please the community or the people, and at the same time you are not allowed to simply ignore them and do what you like; you live among people and you have to mingle and fit in.

We walk towards a future that was drawn for us; we are nothing but a part of a master plan that was designed by others, and everyone seems to know what is best for us but us. If they want to teach you responsibility; they introduce you to house chores and baby sitting your little sister, and if they want to teach you about discipline; they introduce you to punishment techniques they have creatively invented.

You graduate thinking that it is my time to rule the world now, and I have the ability to be on my own and take life and challenge it. You have this short dream to be stopped by a shocking reality that you are not free yet; you are still in custody!

I don’t want to sound ungrateful to the great people that brought us to the world and helped us live up to this point, but care can suffocate you; literally.

The only thing that we don’t learn from our families, schools, universities, society, etc. is being accountable and independent. A lot of us don’t even know what the word accountability means, and independency means starting a family of your own.

The everlasting problem that we keep facing over and over; is that we don’t gradually learn about independency and accountability; rather we are thrown in the middle of the fire and are expected not to get burned. We are faced with a lot of new things to learn and cope with all of a sudden, and unless you are prepared for this, it will take you a lifetime and maybe never to reach where you are supposed to be.

When does the custody ever stop? Why can’t we be on our own when we are still in the learning phase to grasp knowledge and appreciate it bit by bit? Why aren’t we allowed to explore life on our own? Why aren’t we given the power of choice? Why don’t they teach us to make decisions and take responsibility for them?

What happens in our society is that the parents make your decisions for you, and choose your life direction, your education, and your profession and sometimes even your life partner. It is worse when you are a woman, because you are stuck with this custody till you are turned over to another type of custody; your papers are transferred from your father to your husband, and there must always be a custodian; you cannot take care of yourself; because you are a woman!

If you are a woman, you need protection; you can’t make it on your own; you need a man to be your keeper and to be responsible for you.

When are we going to be set free? Set us free for God’s sake; set us free and let us be people of opinion who own the power to choose and claim responsibility for our decisions; set us free to expose the wonderful people we can be. It is becoming boring and quite humiliating the way we are kept and transferred from one custodian to another; like you; we have brains and we will be accountable in front of God at the end, so why can’t you accept that we be accountable now?

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Memoirs of a Geisha; one of the best books I have ever read in my whole life, and I assure that I have read a lot of books. The author was like an artist painting picture after picture of magnificent characters and events, forming a story that not only gave an insight to a beautiful culture like Japan’s, but also it was a documentation of history of an era that a whole country survived in unity and admirable dedication to patriotism.

From the first page of this novel, I got completely lost in the story and character of Chio or Sayuri at a later stage. Her childhood dreams and innocence were hijacked from her with cruelty, she was forced to grow up way too soon, and her intelligence and rare beauty were her only aids in many parts of her life.

Before I read this story; like most of the westerners or maybe the rest of the world; I thought that a geisha is a courtesan that sells her body by becoming every man’s fascination and dream; I couldn’t have been more wrong!

It turned out that a geisha’s life is a lot harder than I imagined in my wildest dreams; she is not allowed to choose anything in her life; all the major choices and life altering decisions are made for her by the Okea (house that keeps her) and by her elder sister who is bonded to her for life. She is not allowed to love or dream of a future; if she was lucky enough, she would get a good man for a Danna (protector).

I have to admit that I had very high expectations about the movie, and probably like all novels that turned into Hollywood movies; there is a certain degree of disappointment involved. Despite that; I think that the movie was very successful in capturing the most important stages in this little girl’s life, with some slight changes here and there, because if they wanted to capture every single detail; they might have come up with 3 series movies at least.

I am glad that I have read the book before watching the movie, because I know the real story and it adds to the fun to see it captured and real people performing the very same events that fascinated me while reading the novel.

I would recommend that you go watch the movie whether you read the novel or not, but if you have already started reading the novel or at least planning to; wait till you have read this wonderful story of culture, a country and a part of Japanese beauty; geisha.

On a side note; this is my post # 100, YAY!

I hope you enjoyed the ride as much as I did, and I assure that there is plenty where the first 100 came from so stay tuned.

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I think that by now, almost everyone had heard or read something about this work that created a lot of conflict in the Saudi community, and maybe in the region at large; I am referring to the novel “Banat Al Riyadh” for Raja’a Abdullah Al Sane’.

I have tried to pick up this book from our bookstores in town, but it was no where to be found, and it seems that the banning that was forced on it in Saudi has extended to reach the freedom that our own bookshelves enjoys most of the time.

After all my attempts to find this book failed, I resorted to the only left method; purchasing it online and finally got the book through “Adab wa Fan“.

Before turning the cover to start my journey with a new book, I took a look at the back and read a nice comment by Ghazi Al Quseibi, and I said to myself: if such a great writer of our time gives such a comment on this book, it must be good and worth reading.

I started reading and the pages kept turning; and I found myself fascinated by the author’s writing style that kept flowing, till I realized that I finished the 319 pages in one day literally. I really could not let the book down and was so into the characters, lived their turmoil and tragedies, was happy for their happiness and felt sorry for them at times.

The book is a collection of emails that the author started sending to an email group. She used to send an email every Friday and then sitting back and enjoying the reaction that included discussions in workplaces, some newspaper columns, some magazine articles and a lot of hate mail to the author herself.

The author succeeded in exposing the insider edition of what really goes on in the closed community that the heroines lived in. The four friends presented different models of modern Saudi women who are struggling in a society that insists on pushing the woman backwards, and I have to say that I admire and respect all these women that are truly out there fighting to induce change and make significant difference.

Some might argue that this is not a true representation of Saudi community or women for that matter, and this might have some truth to it, however; we cannot deny that these models do exist and not only in Saudi, but also in the Arab world as a whole.

Reading the stories of these 4 magnificent girls made me really happy that I live in a country that succeeded in liberating its communities enough to make us lead successful careers and create an opportunity for us to become independent, and when the man becomes a part of our lives, we have the ability to become interdependent with him, for that; we are truly lucky.

As I was reading the stories and following up on the events; I kept remembering the other famous four friends who were completely different in personalities, yet they shared a wonderful relationship and their friendship was stronger than men and time itself. Of course I am talking about Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte; the main characters in the very popular show; “Sex and the City”

I really recommend that you grab this book and read it; if not to get an internal view of these ladies’ closed lives, read it to get a feel of the author’s great writing that promises her with a bright future should she decide to pursue it, and promises us with good reading material that is highly needed in our world of today.

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Continued …

She sat there in the darkness of her suddenly cold room, she hugged herself and stared in the nothing around her; what has just happened? Did she just get dumped, and over the phone? Why didn’t he wait to talk to her face to face? Is it shame of what he was going to do to her? Or is just lack of courtesy? Was he that much of a jerk?

What was she feeling?

She could not define the feelings that she was having. It seemed like a ton of emotions were fighting inside her small heart; hurt, shock, pain, loss, rejection, anger and deep sorrow. She was getting dizzy with all the turmoil inside her soul and for a brief moment she wished that it was just a nightmare, but being the realistic person she was, she knew that she was not imagining things and that there is a new reality forcing itself on her world; he left her for another woman!

She did not care if that woman was more beautiful or more intelligent or more exciting or more whatever; all she thought about was that if he had really loved her like he said he did; all the women on earth would not have made a difference to him.

She tried not to think, she did not want to be reactive, she is not like that and she didn’t see any point of taking any action now. If she decided to fight for her love, was it going to be worth it? She would be fighting him because he is the one saying that he does not love her any more; the other lady is just his way out; actually; it does not really matter if he really loved that other woman or not as that’s beside the point, the point is; he was able to leave her, he took his time to think and decide not even considering for a minute to make her feel that he is withdrawing, he kept his old self the same and that’s why she did not see it coming.

She was numb. Days and nights passed by and she did not even try to think about it, she told herself over and over that she must move on, and what does not kill her only makes her stronger, was she stronger? She did not allow herself to experience moments of weakness, she had to find new things to do to fill her empty time. How could he have had time to love someone else when most of his time was with her? She did not want to go there; she did not want to think of him any more.

Some days were smooth, some were heavy and slow; moving on is not as easy as it seems, it needs a lot of changes and the most important thing about these changes is moving away from anything that reminds you of what you are moving on from. She is doing that but he isn’t; why does he keep calling her? She does not answer his calls and yet he keeps calling. She thought about changing her number but then decided not to; she has nothing to run away from and she will not allow him to affect her life after he chose to exit from it.

Calls were not enough; short messages, emails and any available communication method; he used them all with no response from her, till that day many months later, when she found him standing in the doorway of her office; her reaction was not what he expected; it was obvious that he did not find what he was looking for in her eyes. The passionate look he was used to see in her eyes was replaced by a cold empty one. His eyes were searching for something familiar about her, but he could not find it.

She got up from her desk, shook his extended hand with a poker face expression on her face. He could not tell what she was feeling.

How are you, he said.

I am fine thank you, she said.

Why don’t you answer my calls and messages? He asked.

I have nothing to say to you, she said.

I have a lot to say to you, he said.

Really? Like what? She asked.

I wanted to say that I am so sorry, he said.

Aha, she said.

And that I was a fool and a jerk, he said.

….

I have hurt the most beautiful and kindest person that ever came in my life, I hate myself for hurting you, he said.

….

You are the best thing that ever happened to me, he said.

She was silent and has the same empty look in her eyes and saying nothing.

You are the only woman I have ever loved, he said.

She looked at him raising her brows.

I know that I have no right to say these things to you now, and that I have screwed up, he said, I am a fool and a jerk and still love you.

….

She did not mean anything to me, he said, I thought I loved her but when I lost you, I realized that you are the one for me, can you forgive me?

….

How can I ever make it up to you? He asked, I have tried to reach you many times to tell you that …

Is this some kind of a game to you? She said, one day you love her and the other you love me?

No, I love you, he said, I never loved her …

You loved her enough to leave me, she said, and now you leave her for me? What makes you think that you can do that? Or that I will accept this childish behavior?

If you love me, he said, you will not waste our only chance in happiness …

I think I will pass this happiness, she said, you will not find what you are looking for with me; that time also has passed.

What about the love that we had? He asked.

That had no value for you a few months ago, she said, I would be a fool to hold on to something of no value, you should know me better.

I want you in my life, he said, I need you, even if as a friend.

I don’t need you, she said, I wish you luck in finding what you are looking for.

You are killing me with your words, he said, please don’t kill the hope and the happiness that we can have together, I love you, don’t you get it?

What I get, she said, is that you never loved me, you loved yourself with me, you loved how I made you feel about yourself, you loved what you were when we were together, and when I was no longer there, you missed the feeling and you came back looking for it. Once you have that feeling, I will be a friend material allover again and you will be on your way looking for another love or wife material. What makes you think I will allow that to happen? All these months; I prevented myself from thinking and wondering about why you did it, only now I know why, and you know what? I am finally free of you …

She stood up and left the room with a smile on her face … it’s good to be free!!

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