What Men Want!!!
I think we all remember the great movie “What Women Want”, we all laughed that the guy had to be hit by lightening to understand what women really want. It was a blessing and a curse at the same time for him to be able to read women’s minds and it was a rough journey for him and the women in his life.
This kind of movie makes you think and wonder that we do not really speak the same language. I read something about this in John Gray’s book and I am convinced that there are many missing links in our communication, i.e. between men and women.
Many thoughts come to my mind; what do men really want? When it comes to picking their life partners, exactly how do they do it? Is it a list that they have in their minds and they go for the highest percentage? Is it that they look for one that has better genes? Is it that they look for a soul mate? What is it exactly?
I posted many times about traditional marriages and how men pick their wives from catalogues; this is what I call the interview based marriage. If you have a vacancy at a company; you do more than 3 or 4 interviews before you decide that this is the right one for the job, bare in mind that this is completely reversible as you have probation periods and lots of deliverables; you check competencies and qualifications and you can actually do a reference check where previous employers would share their experience with that person with you.
When it comes to marriage; you have only one chance to make it, you don’t get to check any references and you do not know any method to check the qualifications and competencies if you want to put it that way.
In this time and age; what makes men think that interview marriages really work? Why do they believe that it is ok to leave your girlfriend of many years and just go for a new package right from the source? What is it that makes men not commit to the person who accepted them as they are and gave them the opportunity to explore and find out anything that can be found out about them?
This kind of behavior made me very cautious about dating or accepting a boyfriend; because I suspect that they are not serious. All girls want to settle down with someone they love; that’s why they do take the risk in dating and going out or seeing someone as a boyfriend. The question is; are men in this just for the fun of it? And when they are serious about marriage, they ignore the one that invested in them and go plant their seeds in new grounds?
I would like to get men’s perspective on this, help us understand you better, help us reach a common understanding, what is it that you really want?
August 30th, 2006 at 12:39 pm
Single women complain that oll good men are married,while oll married women complain about their lousy husbands this confirms that there is no such thing as agood man.
August 30th, 2006 at 9:04 pm
Depends. Usually, man is quite rational about what they want. They categorized short term and long term goals. Does man want sex? Sure, satisfying sexual desire is his short term goal. However, choosing life partner is a different matter….
Read more my thoughts at http://virgin-man.blogspot.com/
August 31st, 2006 at 8:34 am
First, I don’t see anything wrong with traditional marriages at all…In fact, I get very irritated with people who oppose this way! I mean, why is it such a bad thing? Perhaps I am not understanding what ‘traditional marriage’ means. Someone explain to me?
Honestly? Very briefly…
I think we, women in general, tend to complicate things.
We:
*over-analyze
*assume
*concentrate too much on the details when often times they don’t matter as much as the end result
*sometimes are very indirect
With men, what you see is what you get! (with a few exceptions!)
Although I am not a man (sometimes I wish I was
) I can tell you for sure that men would want a woman who is understanding, rational and wise and of course beautiful! ya3ni wa7deh 7ilweh amoora, fahmaneh o mesh nikdeh o ma bitno2 kol da2ee2a. but then again it depends on what type of man you’re asking about. Men are not all the same; throughout the years I’ve come to classify them in 3 types – and according to type, is what they look for in a woman/marriage:
*Sheik il shabab type – he’s understanding, caring, supportive, open minded, intelligent, communicates well, ambitious, adventerous, well focused, he turns heads and captivates minds, (charsmatic), he’s witty, he is stimulating, and he keeps you interested..he is never intimidated and does not have an inferiority complex. He wants one with a personality to compliment his own. he’s rare, but exists
*Mommy’s boy/softy type – UGH… have a personality of your own, well you?! (can you guess what he looks for in a marriage?)
*Jerk/hypocrite/type – UGGGHHH … I can write a book on this type!
==
August 31st, 2006 at 9:51 am
Well! There are different approaches to recruitment just as there are different approaches to finding a partner, and that goes for men and women equally.
Let us take recruitment for example, on one extreme you might have thousands of application forms, followed by screening, phone interviews, group interviews, tests, first interview, second interview, background checks, reference checks, probationary periods and possibly more in between! And it all might be just for a fixed term contract! On the other extreme you might just meet someone and offer them a job just because you have a good feeling about them!
If you consider it carefully you will find that this is no different to marriage, different people go about things differently.
I also think it is misleading to imply that pre marital relationships are broken in preference of another partner only by men. Even if we take the implied population in your post and for argument sake I will assume this is Jordan, I would say numbers of women and men who do this are comparable. The women portion of this is largely driven by the fact society is not geared for women to marry men of the same age! And often by pure choice or choice to accept the social pressures there is a tendency to go for someone more established to use the lateral Arabic translation, and considering most pre marital relationships tend to be between men and women of a similar age often a time comes when a woman would choose to drop this in preference of the former, on the men side its largely driven by a choice to accept the social norm that a wife you have not dated is a better choice than one you had!
My view is that both choices are equally misguided, and only someone trying to run away from the truth would fail to acknowledge that both are common facts of life
My preferences for recruitment and relationships go hand in hand! And so far I have not accepted any position through an application process and that includes university, part time jobs and post graduation jobs, and yes and yes all this in systematic-process crazy UK! Long may it continue
To sum up:
Not all recruiters are the same
Not all women are the same
Not all men are the same
And Hemede who wants to be good when you can be brilliant
August 31st, 2006 at 1:39 pm
Dear Khalidah,
first of all congrats for the new blog space, and the new look, but the same originality of posts.
I’m here again, honored to read your posts, which I missed most, as I was unlucky to be unable to read your previous posts while i was in Australia.
this is a short visit to your blog, but its a promise i would read all your missed previous posts.
September 1st, 2006 at 12:20 am
I need someone who’d treat me equally.. that’s all, and shows love of course, not the fake love we see in the movies, it got to be romantic but not that fanatic
September 1st, 2006 at 12:43 am
I think films have done more to damage marriages than anythiing else. they create a false sense than marriage is there to make you happy.
I believe marriage is there to make you holy, not happy. Putting the other person first creates an incredible bond that promotes deep and lasting joy.
Having been happily married for 15 years, I can say that what my husband wanted was a woman who respected and loved him unconditionally. A wife who does that then gives her husband a foundation to rise above his own weaknesses and the confidence to prove that he “has what it takes”.
We believe in the biblical concept of ‘mutual submission’ as well, from Ephesians in the Bible. He has the final say in matters, but he always asks my opinion and we pray for guidence. Even if I disagree, and it turns out I was right, i don’t harbor ill will toward him ot rub it in his face, I give him freedom to blow it and we face the consequences together.
Oh, and did I forget sex? Yea, lots of that.
September 1st, 2006 at 3:38 pm
What a man wants from a woman?
A question that is so complicated although its sound simple. Man has so many forces within him competing within himself, Forces of desire (sex) which is very natural and instictive. Need to be loved, and to love. Need of tranquility with a mate , as Iman said earlier (no nakad). Need to share mental stimulation. In looking for a mate the man has all of these in strugle, and depending on his situation then, one or two will prevail over the others, but by no means that would be a victoy for one over the other. A man will not be happy totaly unless all of these are fulfilled to some degree. Again those varies with age, experience, situation (Environement), and culture.
For example a man will not think of sex at the time when his country and his existance is under attack by an enemy.He will be thinking all about sex when his time is not filled by a constructive activity (thats why birth rate increases in times when man is not working and he is spending more time inside home). His need for tranquility is the main force when he is in an abusive (nakad) situation. His need for Love will be prevailing when he passes 50 and he wants to see his mate give him much of that assuring him lasting love and company.
So you see a man is complicated yet so simple (sahl wa mumatani3)
One last thing but most important, the need for God and Him being happy with what he wants from a woman otherwise his whole life will be misrable.As many of us men tend to ignore that for a moment of passion and end up bringing so much misery to the woman and himself. God wants us to deal with women as soft and close as you are dealing with your own, as she was created from Man. And he wants us to deal with her in a respectful mannar as she is the wife, the mother, the sister, and the daughter and she is entitled with her own space.And she is entitled to forgivness over and over as she is a human being and sometimes she cannot be as rational as we men want her to be(because of her period ), and if men has the same system they will behave the same.
Finally the experience of a man (so many relationships with women) kind blures his vision of what he wants and he becomes clueless what he really wants (in addition of the feeling of guilt because he has not been true). Many love to hav so many women in their lives, yet they don’t know what they are wishing for as sex is not the only need they have.
This my cent worth on the issue, as I said Khalida opened a deep complicated, yet sound so simple subject. I may have covered some, but i am sure not all.
Have a nice life!
Abdullah
September 2nd, 2006 at 4:00 am
dear khalidah,
Men are not all the same,some needs the thrill and won’t attache for long and some need the mother figure to settel down with,and ,and ..
too many types,but what ever each one wants you gotta be you..what you are will attract the man that suits you.soemtimes we are attracted for the opposite but that would last if they like that originality and don’t freak them out..so really there is no such thing a s a specific reasons why or how..
And heart breaks occure from such difference between the two genders..
kahlidah..men are from mars and women are from venus and it’ll saty that way!!
hugs girl,i missed u
September 2nd, 2006 at 4:08 am
asalam 3alaykom,
one more thing,abdullah..i agree with most of what you said because you are as honest as a man can be about this..
but i have a question since you are fahman bejad!!
If he finds someone who stimulates everything in him,,with so much love and understanding and satisfaction,what makes him look for another?what makes him unfaithful and soemtimes having an irresistable urge to explore more turn ons?
Women find that killingly weired..a real riddel!!
September 2nd, 2006 at 8:07 am
Dear Rasha,
I forgot to mention one more thing, researchers and scholars has concluded that man is polygamist by nature while woman is the opposite. Although it’s not necessary that every man has to explore that nature, yet it’s the motive behind his curiosity to explore the other side of the fence sort of speak. What brings out that nature in a certain man is the environment he lives in. If he is in a religious one, he tends to control that urge, and at least if he cannot he will resort to marrying the other woman.Thus he is not being unfair to the other woman . God, who created man and woman and installed that nature in them, in the Holy Quran allows multiple marriages as a way to control that nature. But as far as unfaithfulness is concerned, it is not an acceptable route in any time /place or fashion. Unfortunately encouraged by the rubbish movies and culture of the west where they made that kind of behavior exciting and “variety the spice of life”. That kind of behavior is destructive to many relationships, families, and lives.
I admire Islam in that respect because what initiates such behavior is stimulation by vision. Islam asks both man and woman to lower their gaze when in public or private. It prohibits sexual material that can lead to decadence and infidelity. At the same time recognize that such thing could happen, our prophet SAW has said ” If you saw outside a woman that arouse your interest, go to your wife as she has what that one has”; that is resort to what you have as its aint different than what other women have ( they have same nature that can fullfill you).
In addition Islam gives the man the first look of another woman he get the glimpse of outside ,without intention of gazing at, but the second look is prohibited and is sinful. Man without deen can be a wild animal that is interested only in mating with women of all sorts, and find it a challenge ( exactly like a Tais (goat Buck)), he jumps on any he can get. This animalistic nature in humans is the means of propagating the race yet if let uncontrolled and checked brings man down to animal level (instead of his brains will be in his head it will be in his tool).
Those kinds of men are not worth having unless they abstain, and if they are the kind who got used to variety, Allah ye3een yeli be7ebooh. Because it will be suffering all the way, and no family or relationship can endure such a mode of life.
Although I am blaming the man for such behavior I wont forget the role of woman in that. A woman, who is in a legal relationship with a man, should always have variety of representation of herself to make the man always occupied with her ( you can prepare eggs in so many ways and in so many types of meals, yet they are the main ingedient
).
As well a woman needs to setup the environment for the man of her dream, where his needs are met, and he does not have to resort to someone else to fullfil them. That is a whole subject by itself. Some women say why I should do that, no one says she should do any thing, but if she values that man and want to keep him, she has to go the extra step of finding the ways to keep his constant attention and strengthen their love and affection.
I am trying to be as much fair as possible to both sides knowing our nature. Some one may disagree with me, but that’s why it’s a discussion and I am open to any rebuttal.
Finally I agree with you it’s killing, as trust is something sacred between the two and should not be taken lightly by any side. Holy Quran again say it” Wa akhathna minkum meethaqan ghaleethan” refering to the trust and commitment of both sides the bind of marriage. I wish I can find the right words to translate as no matter what I choose its not enough, and that’s what makes our language a very strong one that survives place and time and has been chosen to be the language that God wants to pass His message to human race as a whole.
Sorry to have made it a long reply. But the subject is a subject of books and life long discussion cause it’s talking about human nature.
Aboud
September 2nd, 2006 at 10:57 am
asalam 3alaykom,
true true true..and as someone who thank allah for his blessings that gave us islam with the miraculous sunnah that really fulills the nature of man and woman,i do understand this nature and i am really with having the licence of marrying again if his vertues and hers are at risk,i’m also really up to making that warm amazingly loving nest for the man..but things get so complicated as women by nature are dreamers to an extend and they do put a lot from their hearts into the man they’d love especially if he is the ultimate great with ladies type and the shock occures after a while when we wake up to a fact that that was just a way to influence or manipulate her into falling for him while he is always up for the hunt!!
And if things are still before marriage then you’d only imagine the affect this can have on her..
any way,you presented this issue in a great way..thanks.
September 2nd, 2006 at 12:31 pm
Not that I’ve been there, but it somehow just clicks. I send the someone through a bunch of scinarios, and imagine her reaction, from how I know her.
Scinarios of difficult times and good times.. in two years, in 5 years, in 30 years. And the judging I think is half emotional and half rational.
I think i didn’t answer your question at all!
September 3rd, 2006 at 12:16 am
Assalamu 3alaykum,
Man is the looser if he finds a woman that truly loves him (who is like a candle burning for him) yet goes to another woman who is may be richer, prettier, …etc. As love is a beautiful feeling that cannot be repeated in the same form in a lifetime. “The ultimate great with ladies type” will be the most unfortunate as he will probably loose the one that mostly love with the highest level of giving.
I found one thing is very much true “A7bib man she2t fa enaka mufariquhu”. Life is full of surprises and unexpected turns (sometimes very sharp turns). To all in Love, enjoy that feeling (as long as its not accompanied with sin) as much as you can because there is a great possibility that you may never experience it the same way again.
September 3rd, 2006 at 4:16 am
Abdullah..asalam 3alaykom,
I very much hear you..
you wrapped it up beautifully at the end.real,but hurts.
may allah bless you.
September 3rd, 2006 at 8:29 pm
Rasha, and All
Check this out, I wanted to share with you although no relation to the issue above:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAIpBSKJWXM
Aboudi
September 3rd, 2006 at 11:25 pm
Hey everyone!!
I guess I haven’t gotten my answer after all … LOL
Abdullah and Rasha have really debated on this one … I can’t say that I am convinced with the argument that Abdullah made in his comments but I respect his point of view …
I guess we will never know what men really want if they don’t know that themselves, right?
Thank you guys for the feedback
September 3rd, 2006 at 11:56 pm
actually if the issue is (relationship base or traditional) i personally would go with the traditional!
for the single reason that it is so hard to have access to an honest girl in this country.
the concept of a friend is not easily instilled due to segregation ! when a man approaches a girl to first meet, the first reaction he gets is ” u dirty bastard shoo bit7wel til3ab fiyi ?”, altho that is true for some for it aint true for all.
so ya atleast the traditional way takes that out of the equation, but on the other hand people who opt for this are usually the ones that have the least interaction with females accross their life time and hence they mess things up when they are married
thats what i think atleast
September 4th, 2006 at 1:10 am
Khalida,
People with different frame of refference will surely differ no matter what. Thats why you differ with me on my arguments, while Rasha who has similar frame of reference has agreed with most of what I said and saw the value in my arguments.
I am happy though that you have the decency to respect my arguments and point of view.
Sometimes people won’t see certain point of view till they experience a situation that makes that point of view clear to them. I am sure that you have experienced certain situation you would not have understood if you were not put in taht situation yourself( as I have seen from your writing).
Some people tend to look for certain answers that will confirm to thier frame of reference. But objectivity necessitates that you discuss issues from all points of views, angles and considering all frames of references.
I am looking forward to explore more thoughts, subjects (that challenge our wit, understanding), and will lead to a better understanding of issues that face us as individuals, and our society in this time and age.
I wish I have more time to come up such provoking questions and ideas, but I am glad i had the time to exchange thoughts and arguments with you all. It was nice meeting you Rasha on Khalida’s Blog.
Best regards,
Aboudi