Oriental (Arab) Men!!!
Beware: Long angry post ahead!
To my friends from male bloggers and readers; this really had to be said; I do not mean to offend any of you and if the following paragraphs (if you were patient to read them) were offending in any way; I apologize.
Men are complaining that we (Arab Women) are seeking their shadows and staying away from their originality and good traits that we do not see any more. They say that we are chasing the westerner wannabe and forgetting about all the beautiful things that an oriental man has; they also say that we want someone from an oriental background but who will provide us with a free western lifestyle that would make us feel civilized; therefore; they (men) are being treated unfairly and we (women) do not know what is good for us.
This post by my dear friend Qwaider has gotten me to think about this issue; and I would really like to explore this a bit more with all of you. Why do you think oriental women are considering the oriental traits a man has to be negative and old fashioned? Why are they looking for something different and trying to create a formula that combines the oriental base with the modern mentality?
I agree that the REAL oriental man makes a perfect husband and father; he is brave, loving, warm, sensitive, responsible and caring, but is this the model that we have and see repeating itself generation after generation? Why do you think the image has become so negative? Is it because we (women) have changed or maybe they (men) are the one who did??
I would like to share some of my perspectives on oriental men; why they are perceived in a negative way and why some women may consider their originality to be a disadvantage?
These views come from encounters with real life models and personalities; they do not fit everyone but they are certainly more common than I would like to accept or believe.
1- Arab men do not know how to pick their wives: Despite all their high education and exposure to the world at large; the majority still goes to mommy to pick their wives for them. A lot of these guys spend long years abroad to study and work, they have all sorts of relationships with lady friends from all nationalities and when they are finally ready to settle down; they come home and marry the 21 year old cousin who they don’t even know or share anything in common. He comes home so anxious to settle down and after spending many years abroad; he cannot wait another year to find a suitable partner; he is not getting any younger and nature call says he has to have kids NOW! Sometimes they might find someone who is suitable for their age and personality but the old Arab guy mentality kicks is; why isn’t she married till now? There must be something wrong with her!! Why doesn’t he assume that there must be something wrong with men who pursued her?
2- Arab men do not know how to communicate with us: just because we are Arab women does not mean that we are still living in the previous century, we expect to be treated with respect to our minds and souls, we expect to be treated as humans, we expect to be treated as partners, we expect our lives to interact to find the common area that we will thrive in, we certainly do not appreciate to be considered as a piece of LEGO that fits the puzzle of your life and we expect you to compromise like we do.
3- Arab men do not know how to share: they want the married life with its stability and advantages and they still want their single life with its wildness and freedom. They want to have wives to do everything for them, clean, cook, have children, raise those children, work in and outside the house, share the financial responsibility and leave him alone when he wants to go out every night of the week and say absolutely nothing when he comes back after midnight and receive him with hugs and kisses because he is the man of the house.
4- Arab men do not know how to love: flowers are a waste of money, they are too old or too conservative to go out with their wives, saying “I love you” is for teenagers, marrying you is more than enough of a proof that he loves you, controlling your every move and your wardrobe means that he is “3’ayour w dammoh 7ami” and that he loves you, watching TV when he is in the house and not spending his time talking to you does not mean that he is neglecting you, if you love him, you wouldn’t give him an interrogation about where he was or where did he have lunch; you should trust him.
5- Arab men do not know how to make love: no comment!! … Sorry!!
6- Arab men do not know how to respect their wives: walking in the street and having her run behind you is not respect; this is humiliation and degrading of her status in your life. Not asking her before you invite your friends over for lunch on her weekend is not respect, expecting her to do everything you say without discussing or saying a word is not respect and do not get me started on polygamy …
7- Arab men think they own their wives: a marriage contract is not an ownership one, you do not get to boss her around and not expect her to say anything, you must not expect her to live without a personality and see the world through your eyes, you do not expect her to obey you when you do not give her the time of the day. If the marriage contract is an ownership; then you both own each other!!
8- Arab men drown in double standards: they say something and do another, they give themselves the right to do things they forbid their wives to do; they have lady friends and sometimes even girlfriends and she is supposed to respect them enough not to communicate with other men even if at work, they complain all the time about their “nekadieyeh wife” and they don’t even look at the reasons why she is being this way. They live a full life before marriage and have sex with lots of women but when it comes to their own woman; she has to pristine with a chaste past.
9- Arab men are violent: they shout, they scream, they justify their actions in a twisted explanation of God’s words, they practice domestic violence against their wives and kids and no one is allowed to say anything.
10- Arab men have an EGO and ATTITUDE problems: they have the “I am the MAN” syndrome, they are afraid of successful women, they don’t want to marry working women and if they are working; they should quit after marriage because a woman’s place is at home with her kids unless they need her salary to help them financially.
These are the kinds of Arab Oriental Men we see around, this is the kind of men we see in our homes dealing with us as fathers, brothers and husbands. A woman does not own herself in the Arab world; first she is owned by her father, then her brother shares the ownership until they pass it to a husband; the husband owns her till he dies or leaves her and then she is owned by her sons.
You say that we are running away from Oriental Men?? I really wonder why!!!
September 22nd, 2006 at 1:39 pm
SLOW day here at work today
…you know, it’s the TGIF syndrome! I am loving it!
moving on to your – rather – critical post
Though there is some truth in what you have to say, I still cannot help but disagree with you on many points…
#1, what really infurirates me the most is when Arab American men who have never set foot in an Arab country go back home to find their lifetime partner. What on earth can they possibly have in common with someone from there? I have no idea and I’d rather not dwell on it.
I am very interested in your explanation to #5 … what makes you make such statement?
As far as #10, it is not strictly arab man related…any man with a complex and lack of confidence would be threatened by a successful woman
Actually, I wanted to go down the list you provided and comment one by one but found myself not in teh position to do so because my assessment is going to be based on an Arab-American perspective … I don’t think I would be able to give a fair view on the arab man in the arab world…
But one thing for sure, personally (though I was not born in the US, I came here at a young age and was raised and grew up here)the best partner for marriage would definitely be a mix of the two – an Arab American … One who lived the two culures and has a fair balance of the two…
September 22nd, 2006 at 1:54 pm
LOL!!
I seem to have really hit a “nerve” there
1. Choice! That is the bottom line. If the way Arab men chose don’t appeal to you, that’s not their fault. Blame the game, don’t blame the playah. If the choice is based on “sexual attraction” as it is in the west, that will fade in what say 2 – 3 months and the result (57% of all marriages in the US end in divorce after THE FIRST YEAR), you can independently check the stats
2. Excuse me, but “Bullshit” Many Arab men and their wives communicate at exceptionally excellent rate.
To simply put it. The problem of communications is a worldwide epidemic, it’s not localized to Arab men, and that’s based on my observations I’ve had in the west in addition to Arab world
3. Another Bullshit, not because someone has done such a thing can you generalize it as a rule. Most Arab men love, and cherish their wives. Additionally, the question of fidelity, is again, a world wide epidemic, and not restricted to Men
4. Another bullshit, Many Arab men do say I love you, and Bring flowers and Chocolate for their wives. But they take it one step further by PROVIDING for her every thing she needs, from the servant to the car. You think you can have that in the west? Dream on. If she didn’t work and carry her own weight and further more participate in the bills and mortgage, she’s a pigeon! A high maintenance wife. And discontent immediately settles in
5. This is ONE HUGE Bullshit! Fact is, Arab guys are sought after in the west for apparently their “good” love making
6. HUGE … MASSIVE … Grandizer… Bullshit. Arab men respect their wives more than anyone else. The fact that an Arab man would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to ensure that she’s happy, satisfied and well taken care of EVEN WHEN HE’S away demonstrates that. How you interpret it .. is up to you.
7. LOL … to think that a man “REALLY” controls his wife, is a BIG JOKE… wake up … 99.999999% of all Arab men just follow their wives.
8. First you talked about this already, being true and faithful is “Supposed” to be the case for BOTH. Do you think only men Cheat!!? No way, do men cheat MORE than women? No way… This is just a sad and bitter remark that is absolutely not specific to men.
9. Domestic violence is a problem. But a quick trip to the local police station in your neighborhood, would illustrate to you that MEN ALSO suffer from domestic violence. Open the Egyptian newspapers and you will see EVERY DAY, stories about women killing, torchering, cutting off penises …etc EVERY SINGLE DAY! Domestic violence is in no way restricted to Men.
But I have to admit, it happens more from Males than women, and people don’t agree with it. In fact, in Jordan there is a center for handling these issues close to Shumaisani police station. Does this mean it will not happen? Of course not. But Look at the US (and I keep bringing this up as an example) Domestic violence is one of the largest problems here as well … so blaming and restricting it to Arabs only is not a fair thing to say
10. I invite you to watch “Raw” by Eddie Murphy to see the “I’m da Man” thing is not really restricted to Arabs. All men (and women) have Egos, and ALL have attitudes. In fact, women have more attitude than men. WAY more than men. And even worse, women are not just one attitude, but it changes with the color of her cloths.. At least with men you know what you’re getting (and I say Men and Women without specifying Arab, because, It’s not something that Arabs ONLY do)
There is no such a thing as OWNERSHIP … but SPONSORSHIP… if you wish to see it as that, fine, it’s your choice. But it’s really not like that.
Your views are full of anger, bitterness and myth, and I don’t want to say it’s you personally who have these issues. But you seem to generalize when no generalization is due. And come up to the wrong conclusions and see the thing different than it’s supposed to be
I was going to move this to a separate post on my blog since this is WAY TOO LONG for a comment, but … Maybe I’ll show I’m being an Arab by keeping it here and wasting your space instead
Finally, to you or anyone who says that she doesn’t want an Arab, I say …. Allah Ma3aki … good luck … x10
September 22nd, 2006 at 2:09 pm
Qwaider,
Thank you for the extra Loooooooong comment
1- I did not generalize; I said “These views come from encounters with real life models and personalities; they do not fit everyone but they are certainly more common than I would like to accept or believe.”
2- I never call anything you say “bullshit” and I would really appreciate it if you reciprocate. You are free to say anything you like, you are free to disagree with me as much as you like, but you cannot say such things about anything I say simply because I do not do that to you
3- I do not disagree to anything you said on your post nor here in your comment; but the above-mentioned things in my post are not that far from the truth especially that I still live in this community and have seen (like your good self) many experiences and models from which I have concluded these things.
4- You also cannot generalize that all the positive things you state apply to everyone; same rule applies
5- you said: “Your views are full of anger, bitterness and myth”
I think I have already said: Beware: Long angry post ahead!
To my friends from male bloggers and readers; this really had to be said; I do not mean to offend any of you and if the following paragraphs (if you were patient to read them) were offending in any way; I apologize.”
6- Trust me; I do not have any personal issues with men … not now and not in the past and not in the future
7- “Finally, to you or anyone who says that she doesn’t want an Arab, I say …. Allah Ma3aki … good luck … x10″
Fine; stop complaining about it then
September 22nd, 2006 at 2:16 pm
Iman,
Thank you for your comment
Yes, this post was critical, a bit extreme and harsh maybe .. but some things need to be highlighted might we reach a common ground that both agree on
As for #1 .. unfortunately; it happens all the time Iman
#5 … heard more stories than I would like actually
I agree with you on the rest of your comment
September 22nd, 2006 at 2:24 pm
Bullshit= Cool-slang to “not true” (doesnt really mean what the individual words seem to mean)
It doesn’t stem from disrespect, rest assured, I have utmost respect to you.
Having a disclaimer at the top, doesn’t negate the fact that someone you say can and will be taken in an offensive way. It’s like George Bush saying, “With all due respect, but you’re a terrorist”
Who’s complaining? I wasn’t complaining. I was showing that many things are related to perception. And many women seem to forget that. Interpreting care as control, and only roses as the romantic act.
Truth be said, people bring flowers before marriage because they can’t assume the well being of the lady before she’s their wife. While after marriage it’s totally their responsibility to love, protect and their obligation to PROVIDE…. This is one AMAZING RIGHT you Arab women have not only is it your right, it’s MANDATED by law, religion and tradition.
WALLAHI …. I swear to you … WALLAHI…. I would love to trade position with Arab women. Just for the perks!
September 22nd, 2006 at 2:29 pm
Qwaider;
Wallah trust me, you don’t want to trade places with us … and to tell you the truth; I wish more Arab men thought like you do … things would have been much better … sad truth; you are defending men who don’t understand what you are talking about … that’s what we have to live with …
I really wish there were more guys who think the way you do … 3n jad Samer, kan el denya b alf kheir ..
Anyway; thanks for replying
September 22nd, 2006 at 2:32 pm
I think this really depends — it’s a case by case scenario…So many things shape a person’s mind – family, society, education, etc. somethings seem to have more force than others … so it’s very hard to take one those points you highlighted and apply them to ALL Arab men… I’ve come across all sorts of personalities and mind sets … each is unique in their own ways … and though the pool we have to choose from is quite polluted (I say that often), I am sure there is that one person out there who would satisfy all your emotional, physical and intellectual needs!
September 22nd, 2006 at 4:19 pm
Shape up boy’s, or you’ll soon only have each other to turn to
!
September 22nd, 2006 at 6:07 pm
Khokha,
Point for point:
1. Arab Men don’t know how to pickup their wives:
That may be true in some cases and not in others, you cannot generalize.
2. Arab Men don’t know how to communicate with their counterparts:
Again I see generalization here, and it takes two to Tango. You cannot blame one over the other. You need to exert an effort to guarantee good communication.
3. Arab men don’t know how to share:
I don’t see how an Arab man can behave like a westerner having two Lives, one of a married man and another as a single wild man.
Simply it won’t match neither his culture nor his religion.
4. Arab men don’t know how to love:
Well, romance is a must for a love relationship, and most Arab men believe in that.
I really feel sometimes you are talking about some other people. As for flowers, nowadays (in Jordan) they are not as cheap as they use to be, and it could be a burden on some. Besides, he can buy something else to express his love, without throwing it in the garbage after a couple of days. As for Ghyrah, he has to be. For example, I am not your husband,
yet I felt Ghyrah on you when you addressed Geoff in one of your posts.
This is the Arab man that Qwaider reffered to.
For staying out of the house late with no valid reason, and repetitively is not acceptable by any standard. At the same time a wife should not confront him directly; she should be smart about it. But in no way it’s acceptable.
5. I disagree with you, as Arab men they are loved all over the world, and they are the best to love and being loved (es2alee banat el ajanib).
, no problem. And in marriage they can both explore as long as it’s within what is allowed. Only one thing as far as I know is prohibited. Any thing else is a fair game.
It’s no rocket science, any one having problems can read some references. And he would be a hero
6. Respect: Islam teaches us respect, appreciation, and I don’t see there is an issue here unless that certain man has problems. That will be the exception not the rule.
7. Bossing around: I don’t see many women complain when her boss at work boss her around (besi7ilu huh?), but no she cannot be bossed by her own husband? (This is a flawed logic). Man is the real boss in his family.
Believe me if he is not, the woman will look for another man who is. Of course he has to have reasonable ways of asking a task to be done, that is where the art of leading come into the picture. But in no way a woman should be rebellious with her husband, and challenge his authority, her boss would not take it at work, why should her husband? The family unit is more important than her job.
As for owning, no one own no one, except Allah who owns all.
8. Double standard: It’s the disease of so many societies (not particular to Arabs) men and Women alike. So that cannot be an issue for Arab Men alone.
Yet it’s a behavior that is not acceptable by any standard, or any side of the discussion.
9. Arab men are violent: I have to laugh at that, because you don’t know violence unless you come to the west. We are angles compared To them. Any way, laysa min almuroo2a an yamid elrajul yadahu 3ala imra2a, la heya min deena wala min qeyamna, fakaifa an takoon zawjatah? It is not acceptable in
our value system to beat one’s wife, and sleep with her at night. What nonsense that would be? Males (not men) who does that need to seek the service of a consultant or a doctor.
10. Well a successful woman won’t make her husband feel inferior as certainly that will bring his ego out and life would be hell.
Finally with so much faulty perception and list of unjust accusations how can an Arab woman find the man she is looking for? Looking out of her culture will not solve her problem. I still say man is a bigchild (in some ways), if you know how to deal with him you will gain his heart and loyality. After all you women are called in Quran “ Ina kaydahuna 3atheem” so you have the wit and the ability to deal with that big child, and that come natural for a WOMAN.
September 22nd, 2006 at 11:39 pm
arab men can’t simply just shut up when it comes to there mistakes
September 22nd, 2006 at 11:49 pm
Qweider you’re “full of shit”
“”full of shit= Cool-slang to “so true” (doesnt really mean what the individual words seem to mean)”"
September 23rd, 2006 at 4:43 am
Abdullah,
First of all; I did not generalize and as I said to Qwaider above; I said: “These views come from encounters with real life models and personalities; they do not fit everyone but they are certainly more common than I would like to accept or believe.”
1- This is true in most cases ya Abdullah, as long as men go to their moms to pick their wives and choose based on the looks and not deep matching, we will end up with the same results over and over; If you do what you always did, you will get what you always got!!
2- I agree but the problem that you guys refuse to see or admit is that men do not exert any effort to reach out to their wives and communicate (I am not talking about ALL men here), instead; they go to other women and blame everything on their wives.
3- Again I agree with you in theory; but this is not the reality … it is quite the opposite.
4- Again I agree in theory and thank you for your nice feeling, however; this is not the reality my dear, what we see in our daily life here is completely different. Both you and Qwaider live in USA, we live here and we see this in reality not out of a book or a TV series.
5- My reference to this one is Arab women. You reminded me that Arab men treat banat el ajaneb way differently than us and I guess this says it all
6- Again, theory! There is a big difference between Islam teachings and inherited traditions and I think we have seen that in many things .. and this is what is happening here .. what must be and what really is … are so different ..
7- Not a fair comparison … if a man had a woman boss, he would give her the respect she deserves (although he would feel very bad inside) but he would do it because this is bab rizq .. same goes for working women .. when it comes to her husband, he sould be the shelter, the protector, the provider, the loving caring partner, not her boss … she already has bosses to deal with …
8- Again, I agree .. but Arab men practice it the most and please don’t try to convince me otherwise; I have lived with this all my life and seen it happen with all males I have dealt with ..
9- Please don’t deny that this is one of the major issues we suffer from … I am not asking that the Arab guy becomes like the western one .. I am saying take the good and leave the bad and be the real man you are supposed to be .. but don’t justify the wrong by saying we are not alone in this ..
10- It still happens!!
When the man chooses right and does everything he is supposed to do .. he will get the treatment he deserves and not before that …
September 23rd, 2006 at 4:45 am
Annon,
LOL
Take is easy on Qwaider
But you are right; Arab men don’t know how to admit mistakes and deal with it … they would rather prove there was no mistake to beging with
September 23rd, 2006 at 8:36 am
Arab Men don’t know how to pick their wives? They do pick Arab Women, no? So basically, Arab Women TOO don’t know how to pick their husbands, yes??? It takes two to tango! Arabs don’t know how to be in relationships, maybe??
September 23rd, 2006 at 9:03 am
Either you have an extraordinary circle of ass holes around you, or you are beyond melodramatic, maybe its people see what they want to! who knows.
I won’t attempt to reason against the points you are making, as I do not think they are worthy, at best they are an unbalanced outburst and not an attractive one at that.
it is a shame really because I think there are lots of points regarding relationships between Arabic men/women that could benefit form an honest logical debate, but while each insists on depicting the other side in the manner you have done, then probably there is little point, it might be just the blogsphere but it seems women do far more of that than men!
September 23rd, 2006 at 9:19 am
The men you know are like this because their mothers raised them that way.
September 23rd, 2006 at 12:40 pm
I completely and utterly agree with you. period.
September 23rd, 2006 at 4:52 pm
God, Arab women are so delusional! You say men never admit mistakes? I see WOMEN never admitting mistakes. EVER! And maybe it’s a cultural thing! Lets take you as an example, when was the last time you were wrong?
It’s not about Brain power alone! there are many aspects that men look at…
Many things go into account and Men, (everywhere) look at the young and pretty…
Anyway, I feel you have unjustified attack on Men, all men, in any way shape or form. And I totally respect your experience in life and all, but I think you are basing your judgement (and fine judge as you like) but you’re basing it on the rotten apples and you’re unjustly branding all of us as bad.
Again, generalize all you like but at least consider all the aspects before you do
September 26th, 2006 at 12:45 pm
I agree with everyone..(Does it make sense). However, maybe coming from a personal experience, I totally disagree that a woman is owned by her dad, they her brothers and then her husband. All the male encounters I have had in my life has been amazing, and you would not be a woman, unless there is a man.
September 26th, 2006 at 12:58 pm
And I agree with you Lina when you say”you would not be a woman, unless there is a man.” as a Man won’t show his manhood unless there is a woman…Sub7an Allah
September 27th, 2006 at 9:48 am
*meanders around*…
.
Well, I’m actually quite reluctant to leave a comment in here. I don’t really see the point. However, I think this is the most puerile issue I’ve read in a couple of months, stuffed with the most over-crowded amount of generalizations and false claims that can be so0 easily turned on both sides– especially number 5 Angolita *giggles mischievously*. the comments actually made a lovely cinematic effect. you don’t actually want a rebuttal in here. I believe it’s just a conditioned reflex.
However, I just gotta say I enjoyed it
September 29th, 2006 at 2:37 am
[...] Oriental (Arab) Men!!! [...]
September 29th, 2006 at 3:24 am
What a fascinating read this blog was. The age old argument of men and women and how we struggle to find any common ground with each other.
I am a Australian divorced woman who is in an on/off relationship with an Arab man. I have experienced all of the negative qualities suggested and also been fortunate to experience the positive also. However, a societal and cultural differences have become more of an issue in the recent past, than when we first met.
I’m interested to hear from others that have had similar relationships and experiences to share with.
Anyone out there?
September 29th, 2006 at 3:31 pm
As an rab man who was educated in the west but still believe and honor my arab and Islamic culture, I agree with almost all of what was said in this blog. May be one should not generalize that arab men have these shortcomings and may be they have them with various degrees. I am not sure if the writer is blaming arab men for all of that but one should still remeber that they behave and act within a complex framework and social pressure. They could victims of thier society also. Furthermore, women should share the blame on many of these problems.
I think the blog was well written despite the fact that one could feel a sense of anger between the lines. The blog could be another step towards an open disscusion of the society problems from the arab men shortcomings window
September 29th, 2006 at 3:45 pm
Angolita,
I think no one will disagree that what you said is an insult to everyone who is hapily married or in a happy relationship.
Your writings contain a lot of negativity towards men in general- not just Arab men- which is getting too repetative to the extent of boredom.
For the sake of all your readers, I hope you find someone soon
September 29th, 2006 at 3:57 pm
Josh,
Sorry that you feel bored but I am really writing from real life experiences; not necessarily mine .. and believe me .. I am better off alone than being with someone from the list above .. and it is not about finding some one .. it is about finding the right one … if it was just some one .. I would have been married a long time ago and I would still be writing about this ..
Anyway, thank you for passing by
September 30th, 2006 at 7:47 am
[...] Oriental (Arab) Men!!! [...]
October 7th, 2006 at 2:37 pm
I have lived and have a pretty good experience with the “modern Arab female” who are educated, open minded, to some degree externally westernized and forward looking. Problem is not with the Arab woman but the cultural and family pressures that she must endure and often bends so much that eventually it breaks her. The core reason for an Arab woman to be an independent and socially outwardly looking and not being able to maintain a healthy and long lasting relationship with her male partner is that the Arab male society is totally on a different frequency than the female. Fist of all, male are the most important and above-female member of its family that is by tradition of Arabs and the teachings of Qurran. Although female has a tremendous freedom at home and within the confines of her family and friends, but she is totally banned from interacting with any male members outside the circle of her family and definitely friends. An Arab male is overly possessed with his ego and him being the best man and is his woman talks about any other man, may it be a family member, brother or a friend that is an absolute no no for the Arab husband. Generally speaking, an Arab male is very insecure about his female partner. Reasons of such insecurity are due to the peer pressure and the cultural makeup. After marrying his most loved women, he ends up limiting her activities conforming to its family’s desires. Most dominating person in an Arab family is the mother and then the father. Mother is revered and said to hold heavens under her feet, according to Qurran. If one wants his or her salvation and wanna have a place in Jannat then one must not at any cost hurt or cause hurt to the mother. Mothers in Arab world are generally the biggest instigators of driving a wedge between her son and his wife. Wife must always be subservient to the mother then the father and then the elder brother and elder sister and it goes down the ladder. I have witnessed Arab families whose won was born and brought up in UK and ends up marrying the girl of his dream with fantastic education and open mind. Both could have made a great family but the minute mother’s interference took place, their marriages fell apart. I know a couple very westernized, brought up in the USA and both very educated and open minded with a very healthy and open relationship but his mother destroyed their marriage. Mother’s generally inherit their daughter in laws as the daughter who is at home to stay for her real daughters are only guests in their family because they belong to their husband’s families. So it becomes her right to make demand of all sorts of fair and mostly unfair things that eventually becomes an impasse and the problem begins. I know for fact that even the most westernly thinking open minded and foreign brought up Arab man who will do anything to get the girl of his dreams, would end up losing her because of husband’s mother, father, elder brothers, elder’s sisters and even older friends of the family. Arab men are generally insecure because their peer pressure of their friends compels them to have affairs outside of his marriage. If doesn’t then it’s considered that he is afraid of his wife and her slave or he’s not a man enough to make it with other women. It’s a constant tug-of-war to keep and maintain a balance for the wife to keep her marriage working side by side with the family of her husband. Bottom like is, that when a woman marries an Arab man, she is marrying his entire family, specially the mother and the father. I’ve seen these kinds of marriages only working if the husband and wife are geographical far apart and their interface with the family is seldom than often. Telephonic courtesies and family politics become a norm but at least, their marriage works out Ok. Those ladies who think that have married of thier own choice and are happy, know well what’s going on with the extra-marital affairs among both the “loving partners” or shall I say, loving wife and husband coz I’ve had a few relationships with many a wives and those who are about to marry the “sucker” with the choice and approval of their very proud family.
April 12th, 2007 at 6:58 am
Wow I sense a lot of anger in the original post (oriental arab men)
Really what I wanted to say is that I have experienced the complete opposite of everything you have mentioned.
I am married to an arabic man who was brought up in an arabic country but we meet in the UK where I was born and raised. We were both students at univeristy when we first met.
I must say that in the beginning not only my family but some close friends didn’t like the idea that I was dating an arabic man. They made comments such as “Just you wait he’ll be controlling your every move” and so forth.
In my opinion I believe that everyone should be judged on their own merit and hence went into the relationship with an open mind.
I could not have found a more loving, gentle, caring, compassionate and understanding man to share my life with. We are equal in our relationship and all decisions made are mutual. We take the time to share our thoughts, discuss our day have mutual friends as well as our own friends, our own hobbies etc..
He gives me the freedom to do the things I like and that includes going out with friends (male and female), pursuing the things I want in life. He encourages me to achieve the things I strive for and supports me unconditionally and in return I do the same. We are stronger as a couple than we are as individuals.
My family very quickly changed their opinion when they met him and realised how good he was to me and how good he is with them. Now whenever I go visit my family without him they always ask after him as though he is a part of the family.
I have also visited his family many times in his home country and they welcome me with open arms. His family are all lovely people and I can now see why my husband is the kind, loving man I know as it has much to do with his upbringing.
I must admit yes I have known some of his friends who have dated many girls here in the UK and then when it was time to settle down have gone home and married a girl from home. However this is not always the case and I think it has as much to do with not finding the right person.
Maybe I have found the man who is the exception to the rule but as much as I think my husband is wondereful and unique I would like to hope that their are many other arabic men out there who are the same.
As I said earlier I believe it has to do with upbringing. I have met so many of my husband’s friends from his home country that are happily married and they treat their wifes with complete equality and respect. My husband’s family as I said are wonderful people and his father (who has sadly passed away) treated his mother with much love and kindness. My husband grew up in a household that was full of love and security and that has made him into the wonderful man he is today. Maybe if he had a father who was a dominant man who thought that the place for a woman was in the house then my husband may have been different.
I basically wanted to put my point across that from first hand experience that this has not been the case for me. I think that in any race there can be good men and bad men and it is a matter of finding the good ones. I think it silly to generalise a whole race from a few experiences or observations.
So for all those women out there who read a lot of scare stories about arabic men dating western women, it’s not all bad news
October 28th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
wow,i really dont know what to feel now…
kindly give me more advice..
i had an arab bf,hes asking me to marry him but i dont know if i have to refuse or not..coz they always say that arab men marry women and treat them as a slave??is this true?and does an arab only had one religion???wat is it anyway??
anyone who wants to answer my questions and give me some advice…
November 30th, 2007 at 3:44 pm
hey ,i’m mew here and won to asnwear issah’s quations.THey don’t do that my sister,arabic mens mary fro love and a women to help them go with life.yeh, she has to do work,like clean and cook.but everyone dose that.the 2nd answear i don’t know how to answear.when u see arabic singers some of them are chrishtens.but somewher yes.i think arabic spose to satnd for people that are muslimas.thas arabs religion but like i explaind i’m not sure.if u really love that guy and he likes u,and he fits u perfect.i wouldn’t blive every word u read in the enternt and deside about our life from those words.
good luke….
January 4th, 2008 at 8:23 am
I came across this blog because I just started dating a Lebanese guy, I am not Arabic. I’m from a completely different culture. I am actually a Latina…I’ve been dating this guy for two months now but I started to think about a lot of things. First of all he is a Muslim and his entire family lives back in Lebanon, he visits them from time to time. but I keep wondering if this relationship can go long term…I mean I’m scared that some day he goes and never returns, next thing I here he’s getting married…the reason for me tripping over this is because I’m starting to like him. I think I am falling in love with him…but I keep limiting myself…limiting my feelings towards him…I’m scared I fall too hard for him and he leaves me. he tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and the next time he goes back he’ll take me with him…I ask him if he has a wife back at home or an arranged marriage and he tells me “the only woman I’ll marry is you” but the thing is his sister lived in this country as well, she was dating my cousin for about a year. They seemed perfectly happy together but all of a sudden, She tells him she’ll go back to Lebanon for a while…they talked over the phone and chat online for the first couple of weeks…the next thing we know she stops keeping in touch and we hear she gets married…WTF??? The other thing is I went to his house lately and on a picture frame in his room I saw a picture of a beautiful Lebanese woman who is not his sister..I haven’t asked him yet about it…but it makes me wonder! Another thing is he is starting to treat me differently….he calls me less, sometimes he even acts kinda mad when I wear a certain clothes, he says he’ll come visit me but keeps me waiting the entire night and when I call his phone he doesn’t even answers my call, the next morning he texts me and calls me as if nothing happened….I’m so confused do you think this will last?
January 6th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Sunshine,
My guess is that this guy will do like his sis did if he hadn’t already … all what you described in your comment suggests that he might be involved with someone else back home, so my advice to you is not to get to attached to him because you will only get your heart broken
Many Arab Muslim guys marry foreign women and stay with them for life but the majority enjoy their time away from home by having girlfriends but it all ends when it comes to marriage … guys do it here; they go out with the girl (and she is a Muslim Arab like them) and they have this love story and share dreams and everything .. but not all of them tie the knot if you know what I mean … they go instead and marry someone traditionally because they look for someone (supposedly) with a pristine past … after all; what he does not know will never hurt him, right?
Please take a deep look at this relationship; step out of it and look as an outsider and then decide … the best way to do it; is to think that if your sister or your daughter was in this situation; what would you advise her to do???
I wish you the best of luck my dear …
January 18th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
hey there,
I saw your comment n I had deep thoughts about what you said but I still stayed with him..currently I’m undecided about what I want to do….without telling him anything he confessed to me..this is what he said…he can’t take it anymore and he thinks that I deserve to know the truth about him, he told me that he’s engaged and its with the same girl in the picture….I don;t know what to do…he tells me he loves me but he’s engaged because it was an arranged marriage…I asked if he loves her and this is what he said..he said he can love two persons…that really hurt me..I feel so sad…I was soo mad when he told me that I just walked away..this all happened lastnite and I haven’t had the chance to really sit down and talk to him, but I will see him tomorow…some of my friends advice me to just walk away before I fall deep for him and he leaves me to go get married..do u think its possible for him not to get married again?? I don’t know..I wish that would be the case because I mean whats the sense of being with him when I know things could never in the future get serious..its like he’s using me until he goes off to get married then he may or may not return only God knows…SOOO confused, I’m hoping it could work, I know he has feelings for me…what should I do??
January 18th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
..oh ya n he wears a silver ring on his right hand..I shouldv saw it coming..so silly and blind, he also asked me if I’m cool with him being engaged..he says he really wants to be with me…should I stay with him? I mean at least he was honest you know, he didn’t need to tell me anything, if he wanted he could’ve just kept lying to me, and I would’ve never known anything..but he was honest..does that help??
January 19th, 2008 at 12:02 am
Sunshine,
I think that you know deep inside what you should do but you are trying to find reasons to make you stay with him like him being honest with you … frankly; I see that as an insult; he is rubbing the news in your wounds as if he knows that you will stay any way and that is just sad …
He will leave you sooner or later … and he will not marry you … he will go back to that lady and you will be left behind sad and hurt and all wounded and abandoned …
Sunshine, do yourself a favor and walk away because if you don’t .. he will walk away from you and walk all over you, your heart and your feelings in the process because he is selfish … he was selfish enough to tell you that he has another lady (poor her) waiting for him when he decides to go back … you do not need this sick relationship because whatever you feel for him will die when you start feeling jealous of her … her existence will shadow your life and you deserve much better than that and she deserves much better as well … do not be the second woman
Good luck to you
November 1st, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Hi there,
I came across this blog when I googled Arab men. I was dating an arab guy for almost a year. I want to share my experience esp with SUNSHINE. I am a non muslim born and brought up in Malaysia. He an Arab Muslim from Saudi Arabia studying in the same college.
When we first met, I was very cautions, guarded. He seemed so sweet, charming and fun to be with. As we started spending more time together, we became closer and before I knew it, we were a couple. Nevertheless, the problems came almost immediately. I am a very independent girl. My upbringing has been liberal. I have a lovely supportive family who stands by me no matter what. Therefore, I’ve always made my own decisions though not always right and made lots of mistakes, but as I’ve always been told that is the only way you learn.
Anyway, he started getting possessive. From things like driving to my male friends to my decisions. He felt making mistakes is not the way to learn especially when he can stop me from making those mistakes, i.e by deciding for me.
Both of us were students when we were dating but he would always complain of not having enough money and I, as I felt that he is my guy always obliged and paid and bought him what he wanted. At first I dind’t notice it but then slowly I started realising he was actually using me. I would say something, try to bring it up but he would either make me feel I am wrong or shut me up with a long sweet kiss and completely divert from the topic.
We always fought as our opinions were always different. He claimed that I gave him too much space and he didn’t like giving it to me but had no choice.
He would expect me to talk to him all night if he wants to even if it means waking me up but he would not do the same for me. I always came second if he had something to do. Basically it was more taking than giving.
He always treated me well in front of his friends but it was a facade. He would always ask…d you want my friends to know we’re arguing, or we’re fight or this or that. I mean, I am not one to wash dirty linen in public but he would not accept if something is wrong.
Things became worse as I left for UK to study and he went home for a holiday. We spent lots of time on the phone and on the web cam but he always had an arrogance about him. Also these presumptions on how a girl SHOULD be. How she SHOULD behave.
I sent him more money when he was there. I have always heard that Saudi Arabians are very wealthy.I understand that there is poverty there, not everyone is rich but I thought he would be as he was sent to Malaysia to study. I lent him money for his exams fees. He said he would bank it in the next day but never did. There were a couple of such incidences.
Finally, when I went back for the summer, things just fizzled out. We both couldn’t take it anymore. We only met 2 times and that too, only to end up arguing.
Now, its over but we definitely don’t have closure. I think about him from time to time. Where and how things got so bad, but I generally think we were just too different. I feel he was more to be blamed because he didn’t treat me like how a guy should treat his girl. I may have made some mistakes too but I don’t know because he never would discuss things.
So as far as my experience goes, I would have to agree with many things on that list except no #5 as he was absolutely fantastic in bed. As the saying goes, he knew how to press all the right buttons. I don’t like to stereotype, but from what I have gone through and read too, I can’t help but assume most arab men are like him.
SUNSHINE, pls walk away. Don’t hurt yourself. I used to say the same thing to myself when he would treat me bad and then be sweet again for a bit. No, it doesn’t count that he told the truth. You know it. He should have been straight from the beginning. This will completely shatter your self confidence and you will have a 101 questions in your head all the time. It makes you feel unworthy. Don’t do this to yourself, you deserve someone who is faithful and who will treat you right. As much as you may feel for him, you’ll get over it. Life will go on. Please, I have been there. Not the exact situation but you know what I mean.
I wish you best of luck, and pls think with your mind not with your heart in this case. And Khalidah, thanks for the insight. I would love to hear from you
Cheers,
February 28th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
My husband is from Egypt and he says he loves me all the time and I mean all the time. He is nothing like what you have said. He was born and raised in Egypt and he is perfect. I adore him and I would die without him. If he wants to sit and stare at the wall, good, as long as he is with me. I’m sorry you have had such a bad experience and I only wish you well. All I know is my man is perfect and he is all Arab.
August 12th, 2009 at 10:34 am
I agree with all that you said, but I have to say this reads “IRAQI MALE” rather than arab male..this is what I’ve seen from my FATHER, my BROTHER and now sadly enough..my FIANCE. And its killing me inside, I feel dead inside, defeated and empty. I can’t state my own opinions, God forbid “she thinks and has a brain”. I had always hoped I’d find a guy who is more open minded, has the best of both worlds..well so much for that!
If i try to end the engagment before marriage, its my fault, I’m to blame, and guess what I’m left with a question mark after because others will always wonder “why did HE leave her?” it would never be possible that the girl leaves the guy! And shame on her if she does!!! So you can say I’m stuck in this never ending circle, I was hoping with my kids it’ll be different. Riiigghhhht!
Signing off..
Iraqi Girl (raised in the West)
August 28th, 2009 at 5:08 am
That was an interesting read. Thank you Khalidah for laying it all out on the table. I am going to throw in my personal view here as an Arab man who was born and raised in Saudi Arabia for half of his life with the other half spent living in North America.
Let me be blunt and say that personally I wouldn’t want to marry an Arab. I realize it is a bit hypocritical as I am an Arab man myself. My reasons will be clear as I respond to your comments.
#1. Arab men do not know how to pick their wives: Right on the money! My brother having failed miserably to find a suitable *wife* here in North America has decided to go to the Middle East for marriage, under the guidance of his mother of course. His attempts were thwarted by Arab women who were afraid of romantic entanglement OR were looking at his bank account more than his personality. Finally, he caved in and entered into a marriage agreement with an Arab woman from the gulf whom he had never seen before the wedding. Her sole requirement was that he be a good Muslim.
Even so I have been in a relationship for 10+ years, my mom continue to demand that I find a *real* wife because I am not married according to Sharia with an Imam. Guess what!? The prophet of Islam first marriage was BEFORE shariah, mosques, and Imams. No one ever considered his first marriage null and void over such technicalities.
As long as Arab mothers continue to push their children in this direction, the good sons will follow momma’s lead unless they are like me – rebellious bad boys. As long as Arab women agree to enter into marriage with men they have never met or for reasons other than true love then this cycle will continue.
2. Communication is a learned behavior. Not every one is good at it regardless of culture or ethnicity. The kind of communication you are talking about requires good EQ versus IQ. Most Arabs are too busy role playing strange societal manikin to acquire the necessary dynamic for good communication.
You can’t communicate on a deep level with someone else if a) you are disconnected from your emotions, b) you are disconnected from the other person, c) you are unable to connect with the other gender as a whole. In other words, before you can truly communicate with someone else and understand them you have to CARE about them beyond what *role* they represent in your life.
Many Arab societies restrict the amount of time men and women have together before marriage. Arab women are taught to view men within the scope of their societal function as provider, father, protector, etc. When do mothers tell their daughters: “Baby, it is important find a man who will cuddle with you after sex”? How often do mothers tell their sons: “Honey! Look for a woman who you can sit with underneath the stars and just share your deepest feelings, fears, and desires.”? Nope! For the woman, the common message is to find a man with good education, good looks, good money, etc. For a man, it is find a woman who is chaste, virgin, and can cut potato in thin slices.
*roll eyes*
You want to have healthy communication start with a healthy relationship. The concept is too foreign to most Arabs. They define it by what *you do for me* versus what *who you are*.
3. You are right. I’ll speak for myself here. I don’t want to own OR be owned. I am not looking to settle down. I am not looking for a *wife*. I am not looking for a *mother* to my children. I am looking for a friend, a partner, and a lover. We don’t own each other and never will. Possession and possessiveness and jealousy are all negative emotions that are results of mental illusions.
Native Indians were easily duped by white settlers because most of them never had a concept of land ownership. They didn’t get it because the land was there before they arrived and they figured it would be there long after they died.
I feel the same way about people. You want to be with me – be with me – because it is what YOU want. You want to be with someone else – GO. You want to be with me AND someone else – it is your full right. As long as we as two mature adults are in full agreement and are being honest and open – it should be up to us and us only to define our relationship. Many Arab men will invoke the Quran and declare Jihad on me over this, but I believe if a man is entitled to 4 wives – a woman is entitled to 4 husbands.
Having said this, mutual respect and appreciation requires the two partners in the relationship to be open. I would be pissed if my wife vanished after going to the store for 30 minutes and appeared 3 hours later without a word or explanation. I would be pissed not because she needs my permission, but because I would be worried about her safety. I believe the same goes in reverse. What is good for the goose is good for the gander.
4. Most Arabs don’t know how to love – period. Love isn’t the focus of our society. We are focused on three things in this order: money – religion – war. Our lives consist of the most banal of existential reality under the banner of normalcy.
We are born into a strife ridden community. We go to school till we are teens to get an education. Supported by our parents we push for higher education in fields of high economical yield. We get this education so we can make money. We make money so we can marry (after all women charge a lot for marriage). Then we do marry – often for the wrong reasons. Why do we marry? So we can have children to teach them the same cycle. Then we just croak and die!
If this is the extent of life, give me a suicide vest in the middle of the empty quarter. Seriously, where do you see the emphasis on human connectedness? Where do you see the appreciation of life in all its forms? Where do you see the support for the growth of the human spirit! If we don’t feel loved, if we don’t love ourselves, how can we love someone else?
Flowers? I would be offended if someone brought me flowers as sign of love. You want to impress me – give me a plant in a pot. The flower is DEAD. It is corpse ready to wilt. It was killed so that I may have a moment of *ah! what a sweety*? A plant in a pot is something I can put in the garden and watch grow. Love is alive – not something wilting and dying.
You want romance…write a poem. You want romance..tell your wife/husband you love her/him EVERY DAY at least THREE times. What goes for the men also goes for the women. How many women call their husbands at work just to say “I love you” and then hang up?
I’ve seen Arab women wait for their husbands to leave to talk smack about them behind their back. In one case, a woman couldn’t wait for her husband to die to inherit his wealth. He knows it too!
5. Arab men AND women don’t know how to make love. How can they? Making love involves total surrender to the other. It involves letting all your defenses down. It also involves comfort with your body, your sexuality, and your ability as a lover.
Considering the constant power dynamic struggle between Arab men and women that this is a problem is a given. Considering how little sexual activity occur before marriage, that this is a problem is a given. Considering the amount of negative religious and social taboos on women sexuality and sex period, that this is a problem is a given.
Most Arab men get their sexual education from Western porn movies. *gag* Many men think as long as they do the rumble and throw ‘ghazal’ in bed they are good lovers.
As an Arab man, I am first to admit that most men are totally clueless when it comes to sexuality. How many of them even know that male ejaculation and male orgasm is NOT the same thing. How many Arab women know that men can orgasm WITHOUT ejaculating?
Lots of gaps in Arab education exist. Love making in my opinion must be marked by a powerful emotional expression that let the other person know that they are more than a sex partner. Your lover is touching you at the deepest level of your being. This powerful emotion comes through in the soft touch. It comes through when you put your partner’s needs as highest priority.
Arab men (like most men) are ego driven in bed. If Arab women knew love making, they would have looked at their husbands and said – *Effendi! Is that it? I should have married a man from India who have read the Kama Sutra.* Watch the Arab man buy out every edition of the Kama Sutra in existence. The truth is most Arab women don’t really know how to let go enough in bed because of all the taboos and negative associations with sex. She spends most of her life before marriage AVOIDING it at all costs – so why should it really change after marriage? The psychological dynamic is there. Just because she now *can* have sex, doesn’t mean the neurosis is gone.
6. I don’t know how it is with other Arab men, so I can’t comment. To me this sounds like basic bad manners overall. As far as polygamy, see my previous comment before. Personally, I am in favor of abolishing marriage all together as a concept. I wager most Arab women will vote against it
7. In my opinion, marriage in the middle east is a form of long-term legalized prostitution. True marriage happens when a person decides to share his/her life with you even when given a *choice* of anyone and anywhere because they love what makes you tick. Before marrying someone else, you should learn to marry yourself. The reason divorce rates are high in the West is because Westerners like Arabs for the most part have unrealistic ideas about marriage. For example, I often hear people say marriage is 50-50. IMHO, this is an error of judgment. No one can fill in the missing part in yourself. A good marriage isn’t when you meet someone half-way, it is when you go ALL the way. It is 100-100!
8. People do that all the time. Double standard is a human specialty! Personally, if my wife is unhappy with me and we can’t work it out, I prefer to let her go. If she would be happier spicing up her sex life from time to time in a safe and healthy manner – go for it. Let’s not associate marriage with creating an army of depressed sour pusses.
9. Domestic violence in all forms has to go. Hire an army of therapists – wait most Arabic societies have taboos about seeing a psychologist. We wall want to save face and don’t want to appear as nutters.
10. Lol! Just be lucky they don’t pee around the house to mark their turf. Personally, I prefer to return to the way it was back in the good old Middle East – when women ruled the roost. Then we Arab men can start fighting for our liberation and demand equal treatment *smile*. On a serious note, this goes back to the societal roles created by parents both fathers and mothers. It is up to men and women to change things for future generation.
I think it should be obvious why I wouldn’t be a suitable husband for most Arab women. Plus, I would want the wedding ceremony to be done all in the nude. In case anyone blames poor Westerners for my attitude, I’ve wanted that since I was 10 and living in Saudi Arabia and wasn’t too shy to talk about it. The Saudis were too happy to see my behind as I left the Arab world. *laugh*
October 11th, 2009 at 7:21 am
To ArabMan …
Thank you for the great comment … and sorry it took too long to approve and post it on my blog … I guess I have been lazy lately and I really should be writing more …
I really enjoyed reading your comment and I laughed at some parts because you really understood what I am saying … I guess that may make me a rebellious bad girl .. but I don’t really care what others think …
Your ideas make you a dream husband for many Arab women at this time … not so sure about the nude wedding though
but other than that … we really would like to see more of your ideas and beliefs instilled into Arab Men’s brains …. *sigh* … if only!!!
December 14th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Well this was actually extremely accurate. I am at a loss though, I married an arab man…hes a baby arab
) so hopefully there is something that I can do?? We are young and have been married for over a year but now all of a sudden these things are coming up!!! WHAT DO I DO?? i have spoken to many arab women that tell me to put my foot down or this or that but I have let him get away with it for too long to start demanding respect. I am at a loss. I do not want a divorce, will he ever grow out of this??
December 14th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Well this was actually extremely accurate. I am at a loss though, I married an arab man…hes a baby arab ) so hopefully there is something that I can do?? We are young and have been married for over a year but now all of a sudden these things are coming up!!! WHAT DO I DO?? i have spoken to many arab women that tell me to put my foot down or this or that but I have let him get away with it for too long to start demanding respect. I am at a loss. I do not want a divorce, will he ever grow out of this??
January 1st, 2010 at 4:54 am
I am American. I am 35 yrs old and married to a 24 yr old Arabic man. I disagree with so many things that have been said. He treats me so good. Better than any American man Ive ever known. He doesnt try to control me or make me ask for permission to do anything. He totally trusts me. He is very affectionate and always telling me how much he loves me and saying things that I have never even heard before. Things that just takes my breath away. As far as being a bad lover just because he is Arabic is just rediculous. He is the best lover in the whole world and maybe it is because I love him so much. Maybe that is the problem…. it has nothing to do with the nationality of a person whether they are good in bed or not. It has everything to do with if you love someone. He is a great man…. very intelligent, responsible, a wonderful husband and Baba.
February 6th, 2010 at 8:36 pm
With all due respect to you, but what you wrote is closer to the language of contemporary Orientalism is very vulgar to describe the Arabs, the Arabs are not a one country, not one people, and there are many differences between them in many things relating to culture, language and other things and what is not acceptable in some acceptable in the other. Many of the practices mentioned in your article are the rules of public and non-scientific at all, it is said for example that all Arabs are not good at sex, or that all Arabs treat their wives as you mentioned, just Look at countries such as Lebanon, Egypt, Syria and Look at the situation of the middle class in this communities and how is the relationship between husband and wife, and how some wives up their case to hit their spouses and not vice versa, and I will do I respond to the article as a whole, point by point later
February 23rd, 2010 at 3:24 am
non c’est pas vrais certains homme arabe sont pas comme ca
moi je suis un homme arabe et je suis pas comme sa.
March 4th, 2010 at 8:38 pm
Well girl, you are 100% right! I hope i had read your post BEFORE marrying a libyan guy who has been driving me crazy since day 1. I am a muslim convert from sith america so i was naive enought to think that a muslim man was enought to make a marriage work, as they will give us all our rights in islam… STUPID! and then all this cultural issues i don t understand and of course he doesn t even realize he has them or he doesn t bother explaining!
I really need help: a huge instructions manual or a divorce lawyer! I am about to give up!
Your article was awesome!!! I loved it!!!
March 15th, 2010 at 6:13 pm
Well, you are absolutely right in almost everything you said. I’m an Arab woman who is living a dreamy life with my German husband, who loves and respect me, and who cherishes every single day with me.And he is not ashamed to show it and tell it to everyone
, I know that I would have experienced quite a different life if I married an Arab.
One thing you might want to add to your list is that Arab men treat western women differently (inferiority complex, but that’s another subject lol ).
I think there are many reasons why Arab men are the way they are, mainly it’s political frustration and feeling like they are worthless in their own countries, so when he is married he finally find someone he can boss around and make him feel like he’s worth it after all.
Don’t get me wrong , Arab women are no angels (although hubby thinks they really are lol) , and both of men and women are the victims of the messed-up Arab society.
Nice blog BTW
March 28th, 2010 at 9:10 pm
I found this an interesting article to read. I am a Australian woman and a Islam convert. I have found that culture and religion and society can influence both men and women and that individually you need to find common grounding within yourself. Any relationship can work if it isn’t influenced by what I have said above and commmunication is the key to being successful in any relationship and compromise and undestanding. If we listen to what is out there in this world then we are being judgemental. I have had my own experience with an arab man, and it has been challenging and frustrating. There is light and not every one is the same.
May 10th, 2010 at 12:58 am
I don’t know how I got here, but I thankful I found your website. Thanks for the brave comments. It gave me a new perspective of Arab men. And thanks to all who made their comment. I have to agree and disagree at some point or the other.
I dated an Arab guy here in Asia. I fell in love with him right away for being so respectful, conservative, and for treating me like a “princess”. You are right in #3 “he wants to go out every night of the week and say absolutely nothing when he comes back after midnight and receive him with hugs and kisses because he is the man of the house. “.
Comment:
That I didn’t like.
Girls don’t like that, do we? I think it’s just right for your partner to know your where abouts!
#5, Arab men do not know how to make love: no comment!! … Sorry!!
Comment: May not know how to make love but they know how to have sex. I was just unfortunate that I came across an arab guy who’s good in bed.
#7 “you do not get to boss her around and not expect her to say anything, you must not expect her to live without a personality and see the world through your eyes, you do not expect her to obey you when you do not give her the time of the day. If the marriage contract is an ownership; then you both own each other!! “
Comment: I love this line, it’s so true that there’s no need for me to share my part of the story.
#8, “they have lady friends and sometimes even girlfriends and she is supposed to respect them enough not to communicate with other men even if at work, they complain all the time about their “nekadieyeh wife” and they don’t even look at the reasons why she is being this way. They live a full life before marriage and have sex with lots of women but when it comes to their own woman; she has to pristine with a chaste past. “
Comment: It’s okay for them to date, talk dirty with someone else as long as they don’t get caught. (Base on experience)
I was wishing he would ask me to marry him, but thanks to your post. It gave me another perspective of him. Cause base on my experience with this guy, you are making sense. And you put some sense on my head.
Thanks!
May 24th, 2010 at 11:46 pm
I know an Arab lady who is happily married to an American convert muslim who treat her well and raises her children from a previous marriage as his own. She said that she knows if she married an Arab he will never agree on doing such a thing. She thinks Arab men are abusive and manipulative and I agree. Most Arab men are a disgrace to Islam .
My sincere advice to women who want to marry an Arab man is NEVER DO THAT. If you are a Muslim then find yourself a nice convert. If you’re not , then believe me life with an Arab guy will make your life hellish.
July 13th, 2010 at 3:59 am
I salute you for the courage to post this blog. What else do i have to say…. “Very well said”
July 19th, 2010 at 12:55 pm
Salamu 3alaikum,
I’m not gonna comment on the points number 1 to 9 because it will be an endless argument, but I’m gonna say one thing, a lot Arab men are not like what you have mentioned. The type of men you have mentioned are non-religious and who are of a bad character, no God fearing man would ever mistreat his wife.
For the 10th point you have mentioned: “- Arab men have an EGO and ATTITUDE problems: they have the “I am the MAN” syndrome, they are afraid of successful women” I’m gonna not deny the fact that there are men who have ego; this does not apply to ONLY Arab men, but rather men in general. Usually men wanna marry someone of an equal or lower status because of their ego and women wanna marry someone who’s of an equal or higher status because women look down on men who are of a lower status then them. I’m currently looking for a wife right now, I want to marry someone educated and career oriented not because of her wealth that’s none of my business, but rather because a truly educated person is a person who has a career, because life experience teaches a lot more then university does. I sat down with quite a few Arab girls who are educated and career oriented, but they all said that “my career is my career and I would never let go of it no matter what” this is when I got afraid of successful women (only in her career not her deen), afraid in a sense that they’re not wife material, they will put their career before their marriage. They want to be career women who just so happened to be married, they’re not willing to be wives to their husbands, nor mothers to their children. I want to marry someone who is competent and mature enough to balance between her career and her marriage. Insha’Allah when I get married I’m gonna fulfill my responsibilities as a husband and I expect my wife to do the same in return. Those educated and career oriented Arab girls MUST understand that marriage is a responsibility in itself. It’s been two years right now that I’m looking for a religious yet at the same time educated and career oriented Arab girl and it doesn’t look good. So tell me blog, will I ever find a God fearing, educated and career oriented Arab girl? Will I ever find an educated and career oriented Arab girl who going to say “I want to stay home for the next few years to raise the kids because I’m their mother”?………………. Allah yostor