Real Life Stories!!
Everyone was wondering why I had my views about SOME Arab men; I was even accused of not having a single successful relationship in my life and that’s why I was so bitter and hated Arab men; I was accused of being a psycho and that I am generalizing while I stated all over the post that what I said did not apply to everyone but I guess people read and take only what they want and start reacting accordingly.
One commenter said that since I have a weight problem and reaching my mid-thirties while still single are valid reasons to hate Arab men and that if I was not overweight and visually appealing, I would have had a successful relationship and I wouldn’t have been so angry, but hey; he does not blame me for feeling bitter, gosh; that was so kind of him/her.
So, does this mean that all what Arab men think about is how their future wives looked? Doesn’t that prove my point that Arab men (some of them) do not know how to pick their wives and use the very wrong standards to doing so? Doesn’t that prove that these guys are clueless and selfish? But this is only my humble opinion and no one has to agree with me.
I want to share a couple of stories with you; they are very real and happened to people in my surroundings.
First story:
This girl got married traditionally at the age of 18; since her husband was not rich or anything, she ended up living with his family. They had a house that resembles old Syrian houses in their structure, where they share an open space in the middle and rooms are all around. They had this huge iron door to their bedroom.
Every morning; this guy would wake up very early to go to his work; he worked in the vegetables market and had to rush out very early to get his goods for the day and go around to sell it using his car. So far, so good.
The problem is that this guy locks the door on his wife before he leaves; she cannot leave her room even if she tried and she did not have a separate key. She has to wait for him till he comes in the evening and opens the door for her so that she can get out and breathe some fresh air. Forget about all the possibilities of something bad happening like the house catching fire or the wife needing help or something.
The story gets better as the wife was pregnant with her first child. That day; the guy did his daily routine and locked the door, left his wife at home (9 months pregnant) and unfortunately that day; he forgot his mobile phone at home, and we wonder where these authors get their stories from!!
Anyway; during the day, the wife goes into labor and she has no one around, she is home alone, she does not have a phone, no way to contact her husband and an iron door as heavy Gail bars. She started calling out to her mother in law, any one; she had to call out to people from the window to ask them to call any one from the house to help her. She was suddenly surrounded by people, some where trying to break down the heavy iron door but it was too strong they decided to call a blacksmith to try to do something. On the other end at the window; they called a doctor to walk the girl through delivering her own baby on her own, and yes, this really happened.
The doctor kept giving her instructions on what to do and how to get the baby out, and this poor young locked up wife had to deliver her first baby on her own and live through the window for the whole world to witness. No body was able to open the door; she delivered her baby, and they all waited for the husband to come back to unlock the Gail and have his wife and newborn kid taken to the hospital to be attended to!! What a wonderful Arab man!!
I will let you judge for yourself; you might say that this guy is not educated or whatever; but read the second story:
Second story:
This one is about a teacher; she was married to this nice educated and highly sophisticated guy (or that’s what she thought). They had 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy. They built their own house and worked together to make it a good home. This almost sounds like a great story of a successful family.
After they finished paying for their house; she and her husband discussed the possibility of having another kid before it is too late for them to try. He was totally against it saying that he does not want more kids; the girls will be married in the future and they will have their son live with them in their big house; he did not need new responsibilities. She reluctantly agreed because she knows that soon she will not be able to have kids even if she wanted to, but if that’s what her husband wants then why ask for trouble?
One day, he comes to her and suggests that they build another storey and make a new flat, she argues that they do not have the money for that and that they do not need another flat; he said that this is like an investment; they build the new flat and move in it, and put the old one for rent, this will pay for the money they have to borrow to build the new flat and it will be a good option for their son in the future. She was worried about where to get the money from; he suggested that she asks one of her brothers to give her some guarantees in the bank to get a loan; her salary would be installments to pay back the loan until the old flat is rented.
She does that and does not disappoint her husband; and they build the house. When it was finally ready and she was preparing to move to the new flat; she gets the shock of her life, her dear husband has married another wife and brought her to live in the new flat. When he was asked why he got married; he answered that his wife can no longer have children and he still want some more; Allah has given him the right to marry another wife for this purpose so he has a clean conscious and is convinced that he did the right thing! Another wonderful Arab man from my surroundings!!
I will not add another word here and you be the judge; these two stories and true and happened exactly as I heard them.
P.S. I have turned on comments moderation because there are some people out there who do not differentiate between me allowing them to speak out on my space and insulting me personally which is unacceptable, so forgive me my devoted readers for doing this but I am sure you understand!
September 29th, 2006 at 4:11 am
So you get this comment before anyone else?!?! woo hoo.. coolio. *waves and tugs on clothes to look cute*
I predict the comments will fall in one of three categories. 1. bringing up the shit about Arab Women. 2. defending the magnanimous Arab Men. 3. *thumbs up @ Angolita* some applause, and “Oh dear, you’re so right”. so let the show begin!! *chuckles*
p.s. um, in story number one. there wasn’t a single vertebrate around to develop the brilliant idea of getting the husband to open the door. that’s so0 tragic.
September 29th, 2006 at 4:17 am
I’m not sure who would be so insensitive as to call you anything, they have no right to
Now, I swear to you, I met a girl who lived the SAME first story, EXACTLY the same. But she wasn’t as fortunate, she lost the baby. Guess where? Right here, in the good old US of A. I swear to you, I met her in person and although she survived her ordeal, it wasn’t that easy on her. and Ended up in the ICU with broken ribs and smashed face (yes, right here in the USA) she wasn’t married to an Arab, but definitely not a man
Khalidah, not all Arab men are like that, and domestic abuse is not localized to the Arab world.
Now regarding the second story, I can in return give you numerous stories of women who somehow convinced their husbands to give them everything they own, and end up kicking him out and marrying a younger dude who ends up spending all her old husband’s hard earned money. Does this make it the rule? I would say it’s the exception
A quick look at the statistics tells you that the number of people practicing polygamy has always been slim. And declining. Yes, it’s allowed, and No it’s not the rule
I don’t understand why you like to see the cup as half empty. Or seem to always and unjustly focus your fury on Arab men. Khalidah, we’re not all bad, we’re not all polygamists, we’re not all violent.
And in retrospect, all Arab women are not angels. And and they’re not all with good intentions!
Here’s a true story for you. I lived this one, 1st hand as I was in the middle of the issues between my friend and his wife
After her family lost their business here in the USA, she married my friend who was madly in love with her, little did he know that she only got married to him to get him to finance her collage education and wonderful life. While her family went home to Jordan to live in poverty after they wasted all their money on losing ventures.
The two lived together for 6 years, while I would see my friend getting more and more miserable every day and ended up with huge amount of debt to get her the cars, houses, trips to Jordan and education that she wanted, while he was living on scraps. She wouldn’t even consider having babies if it wasn’t for the continuous please from everyone.
Anyway, She got her degree, got enough cash .. Divorced the poor guy, took his money, took their only son and went back home to Jordan, and she’s living like a Queen while he’s still suffering because of what she has done. When all he did was the best husband a woman could have, she remarried, and left their son at her mother’s because the Jordanian law doesn’t give the father the custody … 100% true story!
As you can see, there are evil men and evil women. Does this mean that everyone is like that!!?
I highly doubt it …
(sorry for having a comment longer than the post itself)
September 29th, 2006 at 4:29 am
Kokiiv,
your comment is not very nice but I approved it any way … which category is it?
As for contacting the guy; he sells vegetables using his car and has forgotten his mobile at home as I said .. I wonder how they would have contacted him
September 29th, 2006 at 4:31 am
Qwaider,
I did not say that ALL Arab men where the same … I said many times that some are
I believe that there are very bad women out there and very good men as well .. but I was just giving examples of real life .. sure they would have some effect on others … we should learn from others’ experiences …
September 29th, 2006 at 4:45 am
Agree, learn and not be bitter, understand how not to be a victim. If the price is a divorce, so freakin what… A recent statistic in Jordan appears to claim that more divorced women are getting married than women marrying for the first time… wierd, but true
Worst thing to do or say is simply to say “Just another example of Arab men” As if it’s a fact and you’re collecting evidence
Truth is, relationships are very complex and what goes on behind closed doors is not always apparent. But there are certain things that we all agree on. Like for example the first dude you mentioned, deserves a knee in the you know where for his behavior, while the wife herself deserves a slap across the face to wake up and stop being his door mat
Lets all sit back and thank god we’re not among those people
September 29th, 2006 at 6:26 am
This kind of stories are happening every where in this world, so lets stand together and be proud that we are Arabs and not to give others excuses to believe what they are already saying about us!!!!!!!
Regarding the way that Arab men chooses their future partners I think this is something depend in the personality and level of education of each person and what is he looking for in his wife, but there are some major features that I for example wanted to have in my wife (I’m not going to tell you what!!!!! haaaa) so let just leave it to the faith.
Anyway I like your blog and thanks for understanding and hope that my comment will pass through your comments moderation.
Peace
September 29th, 2006 at 9:21 am
Dear Khalidah,
Again this is generalization again when you quote a rare incident or at lease very few % males like that.
When you say ARAB MAN he has to be a MAN and non of these you mentioned in the story are qualified to be MAN. and you say ARAB,
it happened to be in arabic country , so that will not apply to all Arabs. Please, refrain from that labeling especially that blogs are open to all and they may run with it and cause a whole campaign of lies, and end up USA comes to the resque and occupy Jordan, as they always wait for something like that to invade our countries. It may sound like a Joke, but its true.
If you put this story to discussion in public media and youi see all men sidding with those 2 males then you have the right to say ARAB Males still not men.
on the second story, why didn’t you quote some stories where Arab women have used their husbands the same way?
here is one that I know of personally:
an Arab woman, her husband put her through medical school, and spent on here 10’s of thousends of dollars from his hard work earned money. She graduated, and he is preperaing a party for him when she surprised him with Divorce papers served to him.
I can bring you more, but there is no point, as I will be doing the same thing you are.
Human in general has that gratitudeless behavior, even to their creator, so whats new? arabs are just human like everybody else. They are no Angels.
Just don’t make it sound it’s peculiar only to Arabs, I wilcome you to the states to show you what human nature is.
You will go back to Jordan, and say Al7amdulillah that you are an Arab.
Again, I ask you to refrain form such posts because they are offensive to us ARAB MEN, and to ARAB WOMEN as well, who object to this labelization.
with all respect
Abdullah
September 29th, 2006 at 9:49 am
There are horror stories everywhere, when it comes to marriage, kids, school, work even.
There are good ones too.
I only have one issue with the points you raised about Arab men “1- Arab men do not know how to pick their wives”
I know we are going back to another post,sam7eeny.
Finding your better half has to do with destiny, you have no choice over it (in my opinion).
You can have a long love relationship that is leading to marriage, but end up breaking up.
And you might marry what YOUR MAMA GAVE YA (LOL),.. [sorry I crack myself up sometimes]. And it would work out.
What I’m trying to say is marrying the traditional way or the modern way has no say so on the outcome of the relationship itself.
September 29th, 2006 at 10:25 am
hal2 befakroona metef2een 3al mawadee3
shoofi khalidah
What I hate most is generlazation (hope it is spelled right)in everything..
I can get you hundreds of stories about failed marriages,husbands who are anthal ( what is nathel in english it is surely very expressive in arabic)..but i can also get you thousands of good marriages stories..
marriage is not to be blamed for failures of husbands and wives.. we can neither blame men nor women for that.each case is a unique one.
the success of marriage depends excessively on many points,compatibility,willing to adapt,willing to understand,being a little bit smart in understanding ur partners feelings or the lack of them.
the stories yo have mentioned here are tragic ones,and we can easily blame men for doing what they did.but take a closer look..
the first story..for instance,he is locking her in,where are here parents? her family? his family? did she discuss this with him rationaly? did she ask him why is he doing so? there are lots of secrets behind closed doors,no one and i mean no one can ever know what goes on between a couple
second story..was she in coma? didn’t she notice any changes in her husbands feelings? his habits? we females are well known for our sixth sense and we should always trust our feelings,coz they are rarely wrong.
now i am not defending those two men or giving them the right to do what they did,i am just saying that women sometimes are blamed for what happens to them.kaman all are special cases..
i don’t know if i was able to make my point clear..2olili
September 29th, 2006 at 12:15 pm
Maybe you should’ve called your post “Men” instead of “Arab Men” or “Oriental Men”!
Maybe then you wouldn’t have been attacked as much
These are Men/Women stories,
there is always the other side of the story, there is always the wife who cheats on her
husband, the wife who neglects herself totally to take care of her kids forgetting that there is
a big kid around (her husband) who has needs to be fullfilled too. In relationships, there are
two to blame! it takes two to tango and two to stop tangoing! Hey Khalidah, I weigh 51 kgs,
37 years old, single all my life, and I get the “m3a2adih” stamp all the time! You see, it has
nothing to do with being overweight or slim, pretty or ugly, just the fact that you are in your
thirties and unmarried makes you “bitter” when you voice an opinion, whereas the same
opinion coming from a twenty somethong girl (orrr a thirty something man) would be a
sound one. You see you are entitled to voice opinions on relationships only when you
haven’t proudly assumed the “3aanes” post! It is not a fair game, a 34 year old friend of
mine is going out with a 24 year old girl and beleive me he isn’t having fun with the ten year
difference in communication nor is he getting near THE decision to marry her because people still think of him as YOUNG, whereas a 34 year old friend of mine who got married last month hassss to get pregnant because she is too OLD! Talk about being unfair! Then again, biologically, God wasn’t fair either when he granted his gifts upon the two
genders!
September 29th, 2006 at 12:21 pm
Twenty Something Girls (not somethong)!! Appropriate typo though
September 29th, 2006 at 1:53 pm
Qwaider,
slapping the face is 7aram in Islam. I know you meant it out of anger. But this for the others who read. We are plagued with problems simply because we left Islam. Before Islam, Arabs were nothing and they are full of problems like she mentions, and may be worse.
Islam came to refine Arabs and other humans, and take them out of their darkness. But I am amazed of people that they insist on returning to darkness.
We cannot tolerate immoral behavior against women, as much as we should not tolerate it against any Muslim whether man or woman. I like to see posts addressing the ill treatment of the Arab citizen by there own government as well. Or that is something that people are afraid of talking about?
Its not fair just to talk about unjust practices done to women (as the west keep hammering us with), while the unjust practices done to the Arab Man are not addressed. Lets have a balanced posting here.
It’s important if people want a free generation proud and healthy in all aspects , that they are raised by respected well cared for free mothers (as enslaved mothers can only raise slaves like her)
Aqimou dawlata alislam fi qouloobikum taqum 3ala ardikum.
May Allah have mercy on us
September 29th, 2006 at 2:39 pm
Khalida, before I continue reading your three stories, I want to say that what you’ve been told shows just how “big” some men’s brains are! Whoever opened his mouth to say that to you just proved your point, proved himself an idiot who still lives in that era when people used to think that “ma be3eeb el zalameh ella jaibo”
ya3ni, I’m 22, and I’d like to think of myself as at least “visually unharmful” and what I think of men is not so much different than what you think. Right now at this moment, I really (and sadly) hate the majority of Arab men (and if all men are like that then I hate the majority of men too). I can not pretend to understand them, and I will not try to ask myself stupid questions like what if I don’t look good enough, maybe I give guys a bad impression, maybe I need to be smarter, or maybe wiser, maybe I talk a lot, maybe I smile too much…this is BS. So far, men I came to know are dishonest, horny and arrogant. I do know some who are just great but how many do you think I’m talking about her? 2? 3? I think only 3 (including my brothers)
On the other hand, I’ve never heard of a woman who beats up her husband because hey she was angry and in a moment things got out of hand, or a woman who forbids her husband from looking good (or God forbid demands that he quit smoking, I wonder if any Arab woman ever dared to, but I blame Arab women for this actually), or one who is jealous of her husband’s success as many men are. But then we did this to ourselves. You try to look good and they think you’re an airhead (why? and on what basis? I don’t have the slightest clue!), you don’t and they make you feel like you’re invisible or something. If you have lots of clothes, make up and jewels, you’re a typical woman who is shallow and superficial. If you don’t, well, you’re not as feminine. And the lest goes on…
I do blame women for this, I blame myself too but you’d think that when men claim to be the rational sex, they know what rational mean.
September 29th, 2006 at 2:43 pm
And I don’t know why did I think you have 3 stories instead of just 2
September 29th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
maybe you are generalizing…khalida mo kol asbe3 edeek zay ba3dhoom..so look on the bright side
September 29th, 2006 at 3:52 pm
It seems that although Arab men are not good enough for “some” Arab women, they are still good enough for many western women. I wonder how this computes in your logic.
September 29th, 2006 at 11:45 pm
Asalam 3alaykom,
dear khalidah..how are you?i missed u
I won’t trade any arab man for any cold western..just because i love arabs qualities..i like their passion and their views and sense of living..they are a piece of me..so in my eyes..they are always better..
But there are problems that is causeing us to feel unsatisfied with them..
1-We base our openion about westerns basiclly from movies..and hear say..but i imagine sometimes that i may live with someone who doesn’t un derstand my traditions..who would brag my beauty and show it..who wouldn’t know what’s the meaning of wodoo2 or may walk everywhere without islamic bathing(u know what i mean)..i find it repulsive..i’ve been offered such attachments and i find it so hard..no matter how good,smart or rich!!
2-Arabs:they cause our chocking confusion about their acts..they seem insensitive..( compared to our openion of sensitivity)..
they won’t hear u..
they won’t care for u if you’re not categorized in thier minds in a certain way…they have this chart..where some women are worthy of respect and some aren’t..which is totally bull..
They intemidate you if u care or show your love spontaneously..you must act cold oo ya wad ya t2eel..but YOURSELF..doesn’t really count..
I can go on forever..to mention flaws..but …doesn’t all men have these flaws..wether arab or not..putting in my mind that they do and that westerns have balawe akhtar bkteer added to these..
yeb2a elly a3rafo a7san men elly ma3rafoosh!!
The main issue khalidah is that men are different than women in seeing most moral,emotional issues..they are just different..that’s why we get our hearts broken and they may get the same but in the strangest way!!
Sorry for commenting such a long one..thanks dear.
September 30th, 2006 at 1:07 am
the problem in arab words and whats their view for marriage is :
they got married coz the marriage idea itself (marriage) but the right and whats the perfect is to get marry to someone he/she makes you think in marriage)
باللغة العربية الفصحة، لا تتزوج عشان فكرة الزواج انو لازم تتزوج ، بل اتزوج عشان الشخص ، عشان بدك تقضي حياتك معاه طول العمر عشانو انت بدك تتجوز.
dont know if u get this
September 30th, 2006 at 7:33 am
Dear all,
This is just my opinion,and not necessarily the truth, doubt is the only truth (another opinion),anyway, after reading through the post and the comments,I noticed that we just need to learn how to disagree,respectful disagreement.
secondly,I always like to see men and women as humans, with all the differences they have,they still are affected by culture, or the way they are brought,or by the personal traits,or characteristics.
so any human (man or woman) can be selfish, unfair,cruel,etc.,but I still don’t deny that men in our societies get affected by the current culture, or traditions,and that is mostly what shapes how they think for feel,I dont say that women don’t get affected by this culture,but as we analyze we see that the culture in our societies is in favore of men in one way or another.
I’m man myself, and I myself get surprised how men think, it happens to me that when I tell my friends how i like to be with my future wife,they advise not to be that, because if i do that, she (they mean my wife) would control me, or something else, they don’t know (not all of them) the concept of sharing, of being fair, and wise.
what im saying is that i think our culture needs restudying, and for all of us to accept what is good, and refuse what is bad, men and women we are what we think.
with all respect to all opinions, or beliefs.
God bless all
September 30th, 2006 at 7:45 am
[...] Real Life Stories!! [...]
October 4th, 2006 at 7:00 am
As you know I am a white American married to an Arab lady. This used to be rather unusual, but it is becoming more and more common now.
Arab men, most of them, dont seem to like it, but they only have themselves to blame. Talk to Arab women and you’ll hear the same refrain over and over again. And it just isnt about Arab men born in the Middle East, the same stories and ideas go hand in hand with Arab men born and raised here in the West.
It is a cultural issue and a cultural problem. Instead of saying “this happens everywhere” why not do something to change the facts? Yes, some of this stuff does happen everywhere, but I dont think it is as common, or often as severe.
As to the comments about weight affecting the ability to get married, how many would make the same comments about a man and his weight? I have spent a lot of time in the Middle East and weight was never seen as a block to a man getting married, neither was previous children or previous marriage.
It is these clear and open double standards that cause these issues. If you guys dont address it things will only get worse. I have gotten scores of e-mails from Arab women asking “do you know any other white converts who want to marry”? If the families would accept it the numbers would be even higher.
You guys are loosing some great women and dont even realise it.