I guess it is true that you don’t know how tough you are until this is put to the test!!

The last few years of my life were a series of ups and downs and I am afraid more downs than ups; downfalls and bad events that left me at more than one point vulnerable and fragile. Bouncing back from these events was not as easy as I wished it had been; sometimes it took all the strength that I could gather from within myself to be able to turn things around and move on or start over …

Sometimes I feel like shouting at the top of my lungs because I cannot take it anymore, but the problem is that if I fall apart, it will be like a chain reaction and a lot of those around me will start falling apart as well and maybe in worse ways, so the tough part here is not actually being in a situation where you are about to crack and break down, but the fact that you cannot even allow yourself to fall because some people look up to you and see you as a stone that stands in the face of all difficulties and hardships, so if you break, it means that they don’t even stand a chance, so you feel that you are not even allowed to show the smallest signs of weakness and that on its own is very hard to achieve …

Maybe the hardest thing you can ever go through is the broken trust between you and close ones, when someone that you care about or love or respect breaks your trust, that hurts in the core and it is really hard to bounce back from, because without you noticing it or feeling it, you will be affected and trusting others becomes a major issue, you will start assuming the worst in everyone’s intentions and actions, because if that person whom you believed in and trusted did a horrible thing to you and did not even care how it will affect or hurt you, then how can you expect better from people you don’t even know? I know that some will say this is not right, but tell that to a hurt person … at least, one needs time to get over it …

The recent things that happened to me were harder than anyone can imagine, both on the personal and professional levels, things are really messed up; actually .. they are more messed up than they ever were before, yet I noticed that what is different is me and how I am dealing with the situation … I realized that if the same happened to me a few years ago, I would have definitely fallen apart and broken big time, but I am now more responsive than reactive … I rationalize things and try to always look at the bright side which is not as easy as it seems … I try to be as positive about it as I can but I cannot help the occasional break that takes me by surprise and at the worst times possible, and I try to keep things under control, but sometimes I feel that allowing these breaks to surface is what is keeping me together till now, so I let go when I can …

After all this time and the few ups and the many downs I have been through, I realized that I am tougher than I thought I was, and as good as this may seem, it is exhausting and consumes most of one’s energy, and most of the time, there isn’t much left for anything else!!!

P.S. Friends are great in these situations and I thank God for all the friends that I have … I am a luckier person to have them in my life and I thank them for all the love and support they give me without even asking for it … thank you all for being the gems in my messed up world … I love you all