Ramadan is a visitor that shows up once a year; we see a lot of actions and reactions before, during and after this month yet we receive it with the excitement and greetings year in and year out because it symbolizes a lot of things to us. It is the month when we feel closer to God, it is the month that we see people’s behaviors when they are fasting and angry about it, we see them going into consumption and buying frenzy, we see them driving like maniacs and having street fights, we see all sorts of negative attitudes and people refer it to the fact that they cannot drink, eat or smoke.

On the other hand; we see people visiting each other more, we see them praying more, we see them helping each other more, we see them supporting those who are needier or poorer and they feel happy about it because they get this satisfying feeling of doing what is right even for once a year.

In old days, Ramadan was a sacred time for the whole family … I remember when we used to invite people over for Iftar and Gatayef … I remember how my mother used to take advantage of the long fasting hours to prepare meals that take time like wara2 3enab, kobbeh, sheshbarak, and many others … I remember how my grandmother (Allah bless her soul) used to bake bread for us right before Iftar and we used to consume it as if there was no other food … I remember my grandfather (Allah bless his soul) when he used to come to our house in Ramadan and Eid with his pockets filled with candy for us … AAHHH!! Those were the days!!

I also remember that people used to be more respectful for others’ feelings in Ramadan … if for any reason someone was not able to fast or even chose not to fast, they were discreet about it because they were tactful and courteous towards others. Unfortunately; what we see these days is that not only people choose not to fast but they also make sure everyone around them knows that they are choosing not to fast and practically rubbing food, drink and cigarettes in fasters’ faces; now that’s what I call rude, disrespectful and totally vulgar.

We see our Christian colleagues and friends supportive of us practicing our beliefs and there is no limit to our appreciation of what they do (or don’t do) but it is our Muslim brothers and sisters who are showing this much of disrespect to us and to our belief. It saddens me when I see such behaviors from educated adults who are well aware of what they are doing. I know that some of you will say: if you don’t like or approve, just look the other way and I can always do that but when people challenge and dare others, laugh in their faces as if they are not doing anything wrong … now that truly pisses me off … imagine when you have to wake up in the morning and go to work only to find someone who is drinking coffee with the smell climbing up to your brain through your nose and you cannot taste it … imagine if you were a smoker and craved a cigarette while someone is blowing the smoke in your face … or if in the middle of the day when you are hungry and cannot focus on your work, someone walks in with a sandwich and eats it while you are smelling and looking … that’s truly a sad thing to witness and believe me I did see it and was speechless as people who are that rude, can come up with any sort of answer if you even point out that if what they are doing is wrong or shameful …

I am really sorry and disappointed when I see such things and I reach a stage where I feel disgusted that we reached such a phase in our lives that people have and show no consideration or respect to others’ feelings and it makes me really scared of what is yet to come and what role model are we setting for the coming generations …

رمضان كريم … وكل عام وأنتم بخير

أعاده الله على الجميع باليمن والبركة

There comes a time in one’s life when he/she gets ready to fly out of the nest that sheltered him/her all their lives. It is the time when one sets off to a new adventure and a new life where he/she has to depend on themselves to take decisions and choose paths of life. It is only normal that one day, kids will grow up and leave their parents’ home to start their own with the people they chose and loved.

I haven’t experienced the parenthood feeling yet and most probably; I do not know what I am talking about here, but nonetheless; I will try to document my thoughts here so that we can share a clearer perspective on the whole thing.

For parents; sons and daughters are the most important thing in their lives. That is why they work hard to provide them with a decent life and that is why they go out of their way to make sure that their children have everything they need until they reach the stage when they don’t need them as before and they are ready to go out to life and be on their own.

In the Arab World, we tend to hang on to our children more than any part of the world and I cannot help but wonder that this has to do with us Arabs being more emotional than any other nation in the world. Whether it is fear for them or overprotection; the result is still the same, we tend to put obstacles in front of them to keep them close to us for the longest time possible.

A clear example of this issue is the way that a mother hangs on to her son even after he gets married and makes his wife’s life a living hell with her middling and interference because in her mind, his wife does not know what she is doing and of course she does not understand her son like she, his own mother, does. Also, she would middle in her daughter’s relationship with her husband because she is convinced that her son in law does not treat his wife (her daughter) like he should and I think that we have seen this story many times in the movies; mothers in law are depicted as evil creatures who don’t know where, when or how to stop.

We also see how a father would force his choice on his children; he tried to draw their lives for them by choosing the future family in law for them. The son must not go for the girl that he met in university and fell in love with because his dad’s plan is to marry the daughter of dad’s business partner, or the cousin or whatever. On the other hand, daughters are not even allowed to discuss the idea of marrying a man of choice; that is out of the question and when he thinks of a suitable marriage for his daughter, it has to be according to his standards and not her choice.

OK, I know that this does not apply to everyone and that people are changing, however; a lot of parents still enforce their custody over their children’s choices. Some of them do not have plans, but they middle out of fear of the future, like when someone proposes to his daughter, he starts picturing their life in the future and how he is afraid that this man will not be good to his daughter and that she will lead a miserable life with him, simply because he does not approve of his personality or financial status and refuses to see things from the daughter’s perspective because she does not know what is good for her!!

Let me ask another question here; what happened to believing in fate? What if she marries the best man in the world and he dies one month later? How does that fit in the calculations of choosing a good life for their daughters?
What happened to our prophet (PBUH) telling us that the best man is the one who knows his faith very well and is not the wealthier or the most handsome. He also told us that the best woman is not the prettiest or the richest, but is rather the one who knows her faith and applies it to her life.

How do you know (as a father) that this man proposing to your daughter is not the best thing that happened to her? How can you predict that he will be bad for her and make up your mind based on predictions that may or may not be true? How do you know that you are not making a huge mistake that only your daughter will suffer from?

It amazes me how parents raise their children well, send them to schools and universities, allows them to go out and experience the work life, yet when it comes to the most important decision of their lives, i.e. choosing a life partner; they just don’t trust them with that and feel that they should make up that for them.

Is it disappointment that your son or daughter did not pick someone that fits your taste and standards? Do you feel disappointed that they are people of their own mind and will not allow you to pick for them? Do you feel that it is your right as a father to make these decisions for them?

I am really looking for some input here, from fathers, mothers, sons and daughters. What do you think?

Yesterday; I attended a wedding party for one of my best friends; another experience in weddings in Jordan and witnessing the same old things happen. Don’t get me wrong; I had a wonderful time and the bride was absolutely stunning and her groom was so happy and literally flying and their happiness reflected on everyone else

1000 mabrook Rasha

Now back to the main topic of this post, I guess you can tell from the subject line what I want to talk about. The wedding was segregated by gender which means women had a party and men had a totally different party.

For the record; I am against these kinds of parties because chaos conquers in them. I believe that it is tidier and classier for the whole family to be seated on the table rather than the man sitting in a room and the woman and kids in a different one, because men do not and will not take the kids with them; they are too much trouble and too much to handle. When the whole family is in the same place; it is more likely for them to stay put and for the kids to be less chaotic and I have seen this so many times.

Some argue that they segregate weddings from a cultural and religious point of view, because girls/women want to be free to take off the veils and show off their not so conservative dresses and they cannot do that in a mixed party. Those who do it from a cultural point of view do it because they do not appreciate other men seeing their wives/daughters/sisters/mothers, they just remove the headache by segregating the party and herding men in a room where they can see them

Those who do it from a religious point of view rightfully believe that their wives/daughters/sisters/mothers must not appear in party clothes and veil-less in front of strange men and I cannot/will not argue that. Again; they put men away in a room and serve them some of the wedding goodies without participating in the party.

Also; in segregated parties; the bride and groom do not get to stay together for the whole party, in the middle of the party; the groom is snatched away from his bride and goes to the men’s party while the bride celebrates with the women; what is the fun in that??

At the end of the party; the groom comes back again and they have half an hour with the families for the photo shoot and then off they go to their house or the hotel and with that the wedding party comes to an end!!

What I was wondering about since yesterday; what is the point of having parties of this kind when the bride and groom cannot be together? How is this a wedding and not bachelorette + bachelor parties? Why do girls like wearing not so conservative clothes to weddings? Why not wear something nice and conservative at the same time?

Another question comes to mind; how do men rest assured that their wives/daughters/sisters/mothers are safe from spying eyes when almost every single person in the room has a mobile phone with a fancy camera that takes nice clear photos? Do they depend on people’s integrity not to share photos with others, or not to take photos in the first place?

I will leave you with the thought that when you hear that there are security guards at weddings confiscating mobile phones and digital cams from guests; don’t be so surprised!!

Hala 3ammi

I guess that you can tell that there is something wrong with this line before you go any further. What does this line remind you of? You got it right; wedding vows, however; have you ever heard the term betray line up next to love and honor? How does betrayal become a part of a vow that is supposedly a lifetime commitment between two people?

Before you start thinking that I am out of my mind, let me assure you that I am ok and you are ok as well, because this is a title of a book I was reading for the last couple of weeks for my book club. Basically; the book tells stories of 26 anonymous women, married women who have been, are into and think of having an affair.

This is an every day story and is as old as the human race. Ever since the marriage institution was created, infidelity was and still is one of the side effects that some marriages suffer from. Some of the women had terrible lives with their husbands and that’s according to their own words; I still feel that it is not fair to judge by hearing one side of the story, because this book never mentions the men’s side of the story. How would we know that these women are not just making up excuses to justify their actions?

I felt that the most honest ones were those who admitted that there was nothing wrong with their lives; they just wanted more and instead of seeking that from their husbands, they chose to go to another man and look for what they are lacking in their marriages. In almost all the stories, it was the emotional satisfaction, and in most cases, they stayed with the husband because of the kids and/or financial stability … honestly; I found that very selfish because if you are not happy with your husband, you should not stay in a marriage and make him and yourself miserable, and if you are staying because of your kids, then you would not think of hurting them by risking their well being and family balance and having an affair.

Anyway; this is not why I was inspired to write about this topic; it is actually the theory that we discussed as a part of the debate. It goes as follows: The late historian Lawrence Stone says that the median duration of marriage is the same today as it was 100 years ago, when mortality rates were much higher. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University, says: “The news is not that humans are adulterous, the news is that we pair up at all. I find it remarkable that we are not more adulterous.”

So, what the theory is suggesting is that monogamy might be an unnatural state, or at best a state that is difficult to maintain, and we were asked a question if we concluded that marriages are never meant to last as long as we expect them to today?

Now, isn’t that a scary thought?

I thought that this theory was missing out on the most important factor which is the people involved in the monogamous relationship. It takes at lease one couple to prove that it is possible to maintain such a relationship but through commitment, dedication and a lot of hard work because a marriage does not sustain itself by existing; in fact; it is only the beginning of the long way that two people committed to work together.

As we were discussing that monogamy is actually natural and possible; another idea popped up and that is that humans are not naturally monogamous and not programmed to be with one partner for life. Then polygamy joined the party and we starting discussing; how can monogamy be natural if polygamy is? I mean; polygamy is based on one human (man) maintaining relationships with multiple lifetime partners (women) … so which system is natural and which is not? And how can we say that both are when they totally work against one another?

Frankly; this is confusing … on one hand; if we say that monogamy is unnatural, how can we expect to live with one person for life? In fact; how can we say that marriage is a successful institution to begin with if it is based on something that is not normal and unrealistic? If we go ahead and get married with this conviction in mind, does this make infidelity expected and comes with the marriage package? Does this mean that we should not be angry and hurt if our spouses acted on their urges and had affairs or maybe lived another life?

On the other hand; if we say that monogamy is actually normal and that is the solid base on which you build a strong marriage; then how do we explain polygamy?

Interesting, ha?

Personally, I find these maps very interesting and with a great deal of research material. You see the map and you start wondering if all the information provided is true and valid, which sets you off in a learning journey to look further and read more to verify and confirm.

This latest map that I am presenting here describes the history of religions, when they were formed, how they expanded and where.

Take a look

For more interesting maps; visit the site of “Maps of War”

:)

And he does that on my blog!

A couple of days ago, I posted about the events that took place in Egypt during Eid, and I mentioned the infamous theory of uncovered meat vs. cats. Needless to say; that was an aggressive and angry post, some even accused me of generalizing against Arab men. You can interpret my ideas and points of view in any way that relates to your way of thinking, or you can try to read between the lines might you find something interesting and worth exploring, but this is besides the point here.

Anyway; one of the comments that I received on that post was signed with this name:
Sheikh Taj El-Deen El-Hilali
Mufti Of Australia
and there was a URL and an email in the comments’ form.

I was reluctant to publish this comment, because I don’t think that Sheikh Hilali wrote it himself, obviously; someone (anonymous) did that but did not mention that he was quoting a press release or even referred to a site where the release was published.

I tried to contact the commenter by email to ask him to verify his/her identity or at least give is the source of the content of his/her comment and waited for two days to receive a reply, but nothing happened. So I decided to publish the comment and quote it here so that everyone who visit this blog would get a chance to read the explanation, and at the same time give an opportunity for the commenter and anyone else to discuss or provide us with the source.

The comment was as follows:

Sheikh Taj El-Deen El-Hilali Says:
November 1st, 2006 at 12:58 pm e

Explanatory Statement by the Mufti Al-Hilaly
Regarding the Recent Media Campaign
I would like to outline clearly and plainly some of the facts and basics that formulate my faith, belief and my understanding of the teachings of the true religion of Islam:

1-The crime of rape against any woman is an abominable crime; it has no justification, and the perpetrator deserves the severest punishment and would not deserve to belong to a religion or to humanity.

2-Women in Australia or any other western society are free to wear what they like, and no Muslim has the right to dictate the rulings of his religion on others. While non-Muslim women can cover or reveal whatever they choose of their bodies, Islamic Shari’a made it incumbent upon Muslim men to lower their gaze. It is prohibited for them to stare at the beauty of strange women.

3- It is my duty as a religious leader to advise Muslim women to adhere to and abide by the Islamic dress code. Having said that, Muslim women are free to comply with or reject my advice, and their reckoning will be with Allah the Almighty.

4-By saying the “exposed meat” displayed in a degrading way is a simile for a woman, making herself subject to abuse by men with diseased souls whose animalistic instincts will overcome them whereby they would abandon their humanity, mind and religion. These men are responsible for their crime.

5-The metaphor I used of the “exposed meat” was not appropriate for the western mentality. It has been quoted and misinterpreted by some groups with ill intentions. This metaphor was used in a private lesson given inside the mosque after the Taraweeh (optional night) prayers on the fourth day of Ramadan. It was meant for the Muslim attendees at the mosque and not the general public and particularly not the general women of our Australian society.

Apart from the above-mentioned facts, I would like to make it known to all my brothers and sisters in and out of Australia that:

After the Taraweeh (optional night) prayers on 27/09/2006, at the Lakemba Mosque in Sydney, Australia, I gave a lesson to the members of the Islamic community of Australia, the title of which was: “Why did Allah, the Almighty, mention ‘man’ before ‘woman’ in the crime of theft? as is quoted in the Quran: {[As for] the thief, the male and the female, …} [Al-Ma’idah 5.38] while He mentioned ‘woman’ before ‘man’ in the crime of adultery?, as is quoted in the Quran: {The woman and the man found guilty of adultery or fornication, …} [An-Nur 24.2]”.

This lesson lasted approximately 15 minutes; 10 minutes of these were spent on explaining the meaning of the first verse, and the remaining time was spent on giving advice and guidance relating to the way a woman dresses and the methods of seduction and the beauty given to her by the Almighty Allah. I emphasised that exceeding the limits in this regard is dangerous to both men and women; and that the devil exploits these charms of seduction to tempt both men and women to commit adultery and fornication. In this case, both men and women are committing a sin. So the topic did not deal with the crime of rape.

At the end of the lesson when I was explaining the reason why ‘woman’ was mentioned before ‘man’ in the verse dealing with the crime of adultery, I said it was because she possessed the charm, the methods of seduction and all similar devices given to her by Allah to tempt the man. For that I borrowed a metaphor used by an author called Ar-Rifa’i. He said exposing the meat in an illicit way would encourage the cats to devour it. I didn’t mean by that to humiliate the immodest women; I meant to censure the person who would abandon his humanity and turn into a vicious animal; and there’s a big difference between a cat’s behaviour and that of a human’s, as the latter is commanded and responsible for their actions.

I confess that this analogy is inappropriate and unacceptable for the Australian society and the western society in general.

I am deeply saddened and distressed by the acts of some devious groups which lurk in the dark watching me, and who cannot tolerate the moderate balanced way which I adopt to advocate for women’s issues, national harmony and co-existence, and to hold fast to the love of our Australian home, to protect it from all forms of extreme thoughts and to reject all acts of violence and any act that breaches the rule of law.

Yes, I feel deeply saddened that such an ordinary lesson has been used to slander and defame me after it had been translated with the ill intention of a dubious media that wishes to incite and they present an unfair campaign, the aims of which are very well known.

Once again, I turn to all the women of Australia and the world. You are the shining lights of the world, you are more than half of the society, and you are the daughters, the sisters, the mothers and the aunts. How could any sane person think of humiliating you?

You are the cherished pearls, the dearest thing in the world. So don’t be taken as offerings at the temples of the merchants of pleasure, or advocates of decadence and corruption.

Each one of us is responsible for accounting for his or her own actions before he or she is asked about them by the almighty Allah (on the Day of Judgment). Once again I am very sorry and apologize for what resulted from an unintentional analogy.

With all my respect to the women of the world.

In due course I will take the necessary decision that shall lift the pressures that have been placed on our Australian Muslim community and that which will benefit all Australians.

The pressure of the last couple of days has had an obvious effect on my health and well-being. I ask the public to give my family and I some privacy, time and space to recover. I have also asked for indefinite leave from my duties at Lakemba mosque.

Sincerely

Sheikh Taj El-Deen El-Hilali
Mufti Of Australia

This is a topic that intrigues me and I have always wanted to write something about it, but I am not going to discuss whether we as women must or must not wear the veil as this is a point that has been exhausted with debate and discussions; it is one of these points that you cannot get something out of discussing them as each has his/her own conviction about it; so let’s just stay out of it.

I bet you are wondering now; if I don’t want to discuss the above-mentioned point, why am I bringing this issue up? And what is it that I want to discuss?

There is a certain thing that inspired this post; it is the fact that the society or maybe we can say people, have found another way to discriminate against women. We keep hearing news about how country X is forcing women to wear the veil in public places and how country Y is forcing them not to. We also hear about countries who don’t go as far as setting a public policy with or against the veil, but at the same time go by undeclared policies that determines how the public thinks, feels or reacts about women wearing or not wearing the veil.

It is a fact that women have and still do suffer from discrimination in any society, eastern or western, all the same. Each society has its own conceptions and misconceptions about women and where they stand in that society. Some societies or maybe all of them believe that women are taking away some of men’s rights and privileges by going out and being working productive individuals; coming from the “women belong at home” mentality. The funny thing is that they act differently when it comes to this specific point; we all know that women are paid less than their men counterparts for the same jobs, but this needs a separate post on its own.

Back to the veil issue and what brought it up on this blog. As usual; I was going through VIVA for this month and came across the VIVA Report; it is a piece by Laura Haddad about this very issue and it is titled; “Lifting the Veil”. Laura reports that she investigated the veil issue in our society and came with some disturbing facts that are worth sharing; that is exactly why I chose to write about this.

60% of women in Jordan choose to wear the veil; I say choose because we do not have public policies that force women to wear or not wear the veil. However; it seems that we do have undeclared policies against veiled women; Laura reports that the discrimination reached an extent that veiled women are not allowed in some restaurants and/or café’s in Amman. It has reached a point where a veiled woman’s choice of places to hang out is not hers anymore, it is rather made for her by such places’ owners and I think this is barbaric and a shame on our society in the first place.

Also; veiled women suffer from discrimination when it comes to applying for jobs; mainly in the private sector. The report mentions stories of real women whose job applications were rejected because they chose to be veiled.

As much as I am appalled by such actions and hidden policies; I am also angered by the fact that these women do not stand for themselves and practice their rights, given to them by the law and constitution. Why do they accept such insults without doing anything? I can understand that they will not be able to do anything when they are rejected after a job interview, because not all business owners say it clearly that the reason for rejection is the veil, however; when it happens in any other context, why accept it and turn the other way? Who will get you your right if you yourself would not do anything to help the cause?

Some of the very important points mentioned in the report is that wearing the veil has become the epitome of close-mindedness and backwardness; it is a common misconception these days that if a woman is wearing the veil, she cannot be sophisticated or open minded and by default is oppressed and does not own her decisions. 60% of Jordanian women are oppressed because they are veiled; I find this silly and not logical.

If we want to explore this point a bit deeper; it is quite the contrary; if a woman can make the veil choice freely, isn’t that open minded and the exact opposite of oppression? In fact; I am really proud and delighted that we do have the choice, because when one decides to wear or not wear the veil, she can be comfortable with her choice, except now, they have found a new way to make her question this choice and maybe become afraid to take the step.

Another interesting point in the report is that the discrimination can go the other way around; meaning that in certain parts of the country, or maybe even Amman itself, not wearing the veil is almost equal to a woman perceived as a slut, which makes women in these areas wear the veil because of cultural pressures and not because of religious reasons. I can strongly relate to this point as I do not wear the veil and I live in a close conservative community where 98.99% of women and girls are veiled, making me stand in the crowd as a misfit and out of the ordinary. I can confidently tell you from personal experience that I am treated with discrimination all the time, but I have always stood up for myself and my rights.

Why do other people’s choices of clothing or lifestyle affect us? Does modernization mean westernization? Why is it perceived that veiled women are oppressed and ignorant while unveiled women are modern and sophisticated? Why are we (women) being judged by a piece of fabric? Why does its existence or the lack of it determine how we are treated in our community and even determine our career level, places we hang at or even the choice of a life partner? When does this narrow mindedness and double standards stop ruling our lives and how we interact in our communities?

I remember that when HM Queen Rania was interviewed by Oprah; a whole part of the show was dedicated to talk about the veil and Oprah brought that up to HM the queen; to which she answered that the message we are trying to promote is: “judge a woman by what’s in her head, not what’s on her head”; I couldn’t have said that better even if I tried to.

Thank you Laura for the great report and I really wish that these places that do not allow veiled women in to be published so that women can stand up for their rights and do something about the issue. The way I see the whole thing; it is about us women and how we choose to lead our lives. I am not veiled, but I certainly do not accept that veiled women get discriminated against and be treated in such a humiliating manner; it is just appalling and primitive to be thinking this way. It seems that a lot of damage has been done to our society and religion at the same time; and it our own doing; religion is being hijacked by extremists and unfortunately; the true spirit of it was lost along the way; what a pity and a big shame!!

Update!!
I scanned the report for those of you who can’t get the magazine; enjoy!
Click on the images to enlarge and get a clear view