She finally gave up the fight …

I really liked her

Rest in Peace Farah …

Source

We heard this statement many many times before, but I really wonder how much we understand it or act by it if ever.

It was always advised and preached that we need information before we pass a judgment because if we don’t get the information needed, our judgment might be all wrong. Just how many times we dismissed people from our lives just because they did not look beautiful enough, tall enough, handsome enough, think enough … etc.???

How many times we said to ourselves that the man driving next to us is a complete idiot? how many times we whispered that someone was dumb or stupid?

Seriously; how can you tell if someone is dumb just by passing next to them in the street? How can you decide if someone is classy by one glimpse their way? How can you determine if someone is educated without talking to them? really; how can you tell?

It seems that we are becoming a part of the plastic world despite all our attempts to stay original and level headed. The media is forcing certain images down our throats and we are falling for them like suckers, to the extent that these false images have become the standard and everyone have to live up to them somehow!!

Guys want to marry Haifas and Nancys and girls are dreaming of Brad Pitt and George Clooney … A reality check is in order here … these people come from a dreamland that does not have places for real people like us and no matter how hard we try, guys will end up with very normal girls that look or act nothing like the divas in his head and girls will eventually marry a cousin, a neighbor, a college or school sweetheart, a colleague or even a groom coming her way in the most traditional ways, so why the impossible comparison anyway?? It will only bring heartache and misery to you and will keep you in a dream state … the problem is that when you finally wake up, you will realize that you missed out on so many things just because you were putting a standard that was too high for a normal person to live up to …

We have become really superficial and cynical … so what if we don’t like what the girl walking down the street is wearing? why do we assume that someone is not good enough to do something just because they don’t look the part? why do we think that someone is incompetent just because he did not have the privilege to study abroad? why do we believe that if someone is not living in an elite suburbia, then he is ibn shaware3? How did we come to be so shallow???

It is true that some people are gifted and can tell from body language, or appearance what the person behind them is like, but this is not the rule; actually this is the exception.
It is also true that first impressions tell a lot about the person and his personality … but how many times did we come to realize that we made a mistake just after more encounters with the same person??

The point is; appearances are deceiving and are false promotions whether negative or positive, more often than not, they do not really reflect reality unless we scratch the surface a little bit and dig deeper.

When I think of this issue, Suzanne Boyle always comes to my mind, when she came on that stage and everyone was laughing at her, everyone was cynical when this 47 years old lady wanted to make her dream come true, and for some reason, everyone in the audience including the three judges assumed that she was not even capable of having a talent, and boy oh boy, how Suzanne surprised them and the whole world when she opened her mouth and started singing … this always brings sadness to my heart and tears to my eyes, because think just how many times she went through the same experience and how many times she was not taken seriously because she does not look the part … and think of how many times we were in her shoes!!!

If you want to see that amazing performance one more time, please visit this link because for some reason, the embedding code is not available … I guess it is not a big deal

Maybe if we start putting ourselves in people’s shoes more often … we would not be that shallow and will actually read a few pages or maybe a few lines from the book before we judge it …

It is really easy to read about this issue is textbooks and getting input from world renounced professionals and more often than not; you will find plenty of points and advice on how to enhance your workplace culture and build a positive surrounding, however; and I say this after so many attempts and failures to make it happen, but it is really easier said than done!

Companies have people from all walks of life, different backgrounds, variable environments, different upbringing, religions … etc.
When you have such a diversified group of people in one place, it is impossible to get the same reaction from everyone and it is also hard to get them to behave the same way, because one’s behavior is a mix of many things and it is mostly consistent with what he/she has learned as they grew up, from their homes, schools, universities, friends, spouses and previous companies they worked for, so I guess it will be a very unrealistic goal to get them to behave like one.

From what I observed over the years by working in this part of the world is that there is a major resemblance that almost all companies share and that is people’s love for gossip, talking behind backs and even backstabbing or as we say it in our spoken language “Asfaneh”.

It is really baffling how people love talking; it is even researched that 50% of one’s time at work is spent on communication regardless of it being work related or not, so if we have 8 working hours in one day, if this research is correct, 4 hours are spent on talking, chatting or even emailing. Add to that one hour of break time which is mostly spent talking over eating and I am sure that most of us experience the situation where you get to make new friends from your workplace and whenever you are out or with others, your talks always manage to deviate towards work related topics. No matter how much we try (i.e. me and my friends from work) to talk about personal or general topics, we always and I mean always find our way back to work related topics; not only is this exhausting, but also dangerous and touchy.

Another observation in this regard is that I came to realize that both men and women fall in this trap all the same and I am surprised of how many guys I came across who loved gossip and indulged in it big time. Many of them as well become experts in the backstabbing and I am not so sure if it is caused by competition or just because they can!
It is almost as if they tried it once and found it to be a successful approach and then all of a sudden there is an unread commandment that if you are in a powerful position it becomes kosher to do these things. Sometimes; bosses do this to their employees and this one perplexes me because as a manager or a boss, you have the power to talk to your subordinates guide them, instruct them to do certain things and not do others and if they lack a necessary skill for their job, you can train them yourself or send them to specialized centers to learn what they need, and if all attempts fail, you also have the power to change the situation by moving the employee where he can be more productive or even fire them altogether, so why dear God oh why some managers use backstabbing as their way to get rid of people they don’t want????
The disaster is that a lot of managers encourage gossip and gossipers because they listen to what they have to say, and even some of them base major turning point decisions on word of mouth … no wonder we don’t have healthy cultures!!!!

Another observation is that a large chunk of people in our part of the world base their decisions purely on personal motives; like for example when I don’t like an employee, they mysteriously get bad reviews!

Nepotism is also a pandemic phenomenon that keeps attacking us left right and center; it is as if you are being punished for not being one of the big families or not born in the elite side of the community. It does not matter much if you worked hard and studied hard to reach a good status, just one big name would screw your chances for a good future!!

Some things are common in both work life and the society at large; like for example when people do not own up to their mistakes and do their best to direct the blame elsewhere if they could get away with it. Is this caused by fear of punishment or reprimand or loss? or is this just a second nature that we have to accept and live with? The problem is that those who pointing fingers at others are the ones who keep moving up the ladder!!

Loyalty is a virtue that some have and practice in all their life aspects; they are loyal to their families, to their companies, to their friends, to their work … etc.
This makes them think many times before they do anything because they are concerned for how their decisions/actions affect people around them. They are protective and even if they don’t own the company, they feel that it is theirs. They remember that it is a best practice to make sure that you are doing your job rightly and completely because this is the only way that makes you feel comfortable and fulfilled, yet how is this received and perceived by others? Unfortunately; it is seen as a weakness!!!

I guess that loyal people these days have to pay steep prices for their loyalty and they are the ones who lose eventually … but the question is: if you are the loyal type? How easy or hard is the change?

Share thoughts?

It has been a thousand years since I wrote something on my blog or actually since I had the desire to write or say what has been building up inside me for all that time.

Those who know me and who have been following this space know that I would have had a lot to say about so many things that took place in Jordan and internationally. I cannot say that I was following the blogging world like I used to as well and I miss being a part of this community … what happened to this community by the way? Are we living in separate worlds now? Have we gone distracted from what brought us together in the first place? … I really wonder!!

Anyway; 2009 is a very bad year so far … I cannot think of one good thing that can be described as “made my year” kind of experience … ever since it started and it was a chain of bad things happening one after the other without breaks in between …

For example; after so many years of working without breaks, I decided that I was going to take one long vacation this year, and I started planning the whole thing starting from putting a budget, choosing a destination and then working out the details. So I decided that I wanted to go to the states, partially to visit my brother and sister there (and guarantee a place to sleep ) and the other part is to get a chance to visit a new place and do some shopping … etc.

After securing the budget, I applied at the embassy and got myself a visa … then I submitted my vacation to my boss and got the approval … so far so good …

I was supposed to travel mid April and come back mid May and everything was set.

In March, I started getting abdominal pains that were unbearable, I went to the doctor and I was told that I have an infection in the abdominal area caused by some stomach ulcer of some kind and that I needed a gastroscopy and I scheduled the procedure; the result was that I had ulcers and that caused bad infection in the abdominal area and I needed a minor surgery to remove the infection and place a drain to give it way to leak and cleanse … I know … not fancy …

Now, I did the surgery and it was not minor if you know what I mean … it hurt like hell and I had to stay in bed for a very long time. It turned out that the infection was worse than we thought and it needed more time than we anticipated but it should be a matter of time only as long as I clean it and change the pads everyday … so there was no harm in traveling!!

I did not change my reservation and now thanks to the new regulations, if you do change it, you have to pay a certain amount of money as a penalty, so I was feeling OK and I went ahead and got on that plane flying to Chicago.

The trip to Chicago was not bad, it was practically empty and we had several seats to stretch and maybe get some sleep but I could do neither, because I had a cut in my abdomen and I could not stretch or bend comfortably and it was very noisy so there was no way I could have slept, so it was like an on and off naps here and there. When we landed, I realized that I was feeling sick and that I have got food poisoning, you know the symptoms with all their ugliness and it took all my energy to stay focused until I got on the connection flight to st. Louis. When I finally reached my destination and found my sister and her husband waiting for me, I made it to the car and crashed. I did not even see any of the scenery along the way, I was too tired and too sick to see.

For the next ten days, I was at complete bed rest and I could not stand straight … my wound was severely infected, I was exhausted from the 24 hours trip (including waiting time in the airport and the connection flight) and the food poisoning took the best of me, so I could not eat because nothing stayed in my stomach and I was desperate to get out of bed because I did not want to lose the rest of my vacation. It took 10 whole days after which I was at least able to get up and go out. I had many episodes of dropped blood pressure, dizziness and sweating but I could get back on track … barely anyway …

The good thing is that I was able to make full use of the rest of my vacation … had tons of fun on my shopping spree … I have nice things to remind me of the time I spent there and lots of photos that I will share in another post … but I just wanted to share with all of you an example of a bad sequence of events that happened to me recently and caused my absence … and to explain to all my friends out there that I might have been away and did not contact you … but it was for a reason … I miss you all and love you all and I am now OK … I will need another gastroscopy in a couple of months … but the worst is behind me …

Next time I will share with you my experience riding the arch and visiting the botanical garden and the horrible flight back to Amman … no more RJ for me … so stay tuned …

I guess that you can tell that there is something wrong with this line before you go any further. What does this line remind you of? You got it right; wedding vows, however; have you ever heard the term betray line up next to love and honor? How does betrayal become a part of a vow that is supposedly a lifetime commitment between two people?

Before you start thinking that I am out of my mind, let me assure you that I am ok and you are ok as well, because this is a title of a book I was reading for the last couple of weeks for my book club. Basically; the book tells stories of 26 anonymous women, married women who have been, are into and think of having an affair.

This is an every day story and is as old as the human race. Ever since the marriage institution was created, infidelity was and still is one of the side effects that some marriages suffer from. Some of the women had terrible lives with their husbands and that’s according to their own words; I still feel that it is not fair to judge by hearing one side of the story, because this book never mentions the men’s side of the story. How would we know that these women are not just making up excuses to justify their actions?

I felt that the most honest ones were those who admitted that there was nothing wrong with their lives; they just wanted more and instead of seeking that from their husbands, they chose to go to another man and look for what they are lacking in their marriages. In almost all the stories, it was the emotional satisfaction, and in most cases, they stayed with the husband because of the kids and/or financial stability … honestly; I found that very selfish because if you are not happy with your husband, you should not stay in a marriage and make him and yourself miserable, and if you are staying because of your kids, then you would not think of hurting them by risking their well being and family balance and having an affair.

Anyway; this is not why I was inspired to write about this topic; it is actually the theory that we discussed as a part of the debate. It goes as follows: The late historian Lawrence Stone says that the median duration of marriage is the same today as it was 100 years ago, when mortality rates were much higher. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University, says: “The news is not that humans are adulterous, the news is that we pair up at all. I find it remarkable that we are not more adulterous.”

So, what the theory is suggesting is that monogamy might be an unnatural state, or at best a state that is difficult to maintain, and we were asked a question if we concluded that marriages are never meant to last as long as we expect them to today?

Now, isn’t that a scary thought?

I thought that this theory was missing out on the most important factor which is the people involved in the monogamous relationship. It takes at lease one couple to prove that it is possible to maintain such a relationship but through commitment, dedication and a lot of hard work because a marriage does not sustain itself by existing; in fact; it is only the beginning of the long way that two people committed to work together.

As we were discussing that monogamy is actually natural and possible; another idea popped up and that is that humans are not naturally monogamous and not programmed to be with one partner for life. Then polygamy joined the party and we starting discussing; how can monogamy be natural if polygamy is? I mean; polygamy is based on one human (man) maintaining relationships with multiple lifetime partners (women) … so which system is natural and which is not? And how can we say that both are when they totally work against one another?

Frankly; this is confusing … on one hand; if we say that monogamy is unnatural, how can we expect to live with one person for life? In fact; how can we say that marriage is a successful institution to begin with if it is based on something that is not normal and unrealistic? If we go ahead and get married with this conviction in mind, does this make infidelity expected and comes with the marriage package? Does this mean that we should not be angry and hurt if our spouses acted on their urges and had affairs or maybe lived another life?

On the other hand; if we say that monogamy is actually normal and that is the solid base on which you build a strong marriage; then how do we explain polygamy?

Interesting, ha?