I guess that it is not a secret that I am a super fan of VIVA Magazine for so many reasons, but I am not going to talk about this now

VIVA has published an article of mine in their March issue and I cannot begin to describe, how excited, happy, proud and did I mention excited?

Since I am so happy about this and everything, well I thought that I should at least share it with my dear friends and readers by posting it on my blog, so here it is and I hope you like it

The title of the Article is “All Alone”

Nice Introduction … thank you for that

I really liked this image …

And this is the article …

Click on the images to get a clearer view

Here is the article …

No trains to Marrigeville? See why Khalidah El Mufleh says Singletown is just fine …

Hello, my name is Khalidah, and I am a 34-year-old single woman, which in our society, I suppose, makes me a spinster.

The word spinster conjures up a mental image of a childless, frumpy woman who is somewhat depressed, longing to be like other “normal” women. Indeed, in books and in movies, this very issue is portrayed as a young woman’s – and probably her whole family’s – worst nightmare. The spinster is always the desperate, unhappy woman willing to compromise anything just to be rid of the dreadful fate of being a singleton for life; she might even accept being a second wife or marrying a much older man to run away from the “Spinsterhood Ghost” as it is known in Arabic.
Interestingly enough, the stereotype of spinster has been universally understood to be feminine in nature. ‘Bachelor’ typically implies that a man is young, virile, and available. It doesn’t have the same negative connotations as that of ‘spinster.’ A bachelor could have numerous partners, but it would be immoral for a spinster to do the same. Unlike the spinster, the fact that a man is not married does not necessarily imply a deficiency in his character. Many times, I’ve heard it said to single women: “If you were good enough and worthy, you would have gotten married by now.”
I see things from a completely different perspective. While it’s true that married women tend to have a better societal status, being more respected and acknowledged, I will not think less of myself just because I’m not someone’s wife.

True, it’s human nature to seek companionship… someone to share your life with. We often hear that “there’s someone for everyone”, but what if there isn’t? What if no matter how hard we try, or how long we look, we still don’t find our ‘Mr Right’? What if, one day, we pass the conventional age of marriage and everyone starts referring to us as spinsters?

A few years ago, I was brought face-to-face with the fact that, in the eye of my community, I have become a spinster. I was attending the wedding of a slightly younger cousin, and as I shook her hand in a warm, loving way, she gave me the “I-feel-sorry-for-you” look and said, “May God have mercy on you and send you a husband soon.”

I didn’t know whether or not to be offended, or if I should laugh it off, but then I thought, at least she had the guts to say it to my face. I was sure by then that everyone was thinking the same thing. What annoyed me most was the way that people looked at me: as an incomplete woman, neither acknowledged nor respected unless she was someone’s wife. To them, it doesn’t matter if you’re educated or not, working or not, well established or not. They don’t really care about all your life achievements, because in their opinion, getting married is the only one that counts. Anything short of this role is considered abnormal, unfulfilling, and suspect.

Some people rather see me compromise and accept any man who proposes, even if he was already married or has children from a previous marriage. Single women are expected to lower their standards to meet those of their pursuer, if there was any, and even then they are not supposed to expect what other young brides would since they should be thankful to be getting married in the first place!

A single woman in her 30s or over needs to be strong and have a high level of self confidence in order to overcome stereotypes and not buy into what others try to label her. Working women are at an advantage because we don’t have to depend on anyone for financial stability; we can afford to stay single until we meet the right person. On the other hand, women who depend on their fathers and/or brothers face a bigger problem, leading them to make the only choice they feel they have: get married, no matter what.

I think highly of myself, and I’m not about to let society make me feel different simply because I’m not someone’s – anyone’s – wife. Being a spinster is by no means a terrible fate; it is simply another lifestyle that will be socially accepted when we embrace it for what it is: a normal existence.

If and when I do get married, I insist on taking the step for the right reason, which is to be with the man I choose to live with, not because of societal pressure or out of fear. Being with someone I respect and love is far more important to me than ending up with just anyone simply because I had to run away from my fate.

When I imagine my future husband, I think of someone who could share the details of my life, laugh and cry with me, is there for me, understands, loves and appreciates who I am, someone who becomes my home and shelter, someone who talks to my mind and speaks to my heart, a man who respects the woman in me and sees me in my true colours. Until that person comes along, I will remain single. And if that person never comes, well, I’d rather live in Singletown than be miserable-ever-after in Marriageville.

What’s a spinster?
A spinster (or old maid) is a woman who has never been married, though it is usually applied only to women who are regarded as beyond the normal age for marriage, which varies between cultures. The word spinster came into common use in the West during the early 19th century when the thankless task of spinning cloth had been pushed off to unmarried women as a way to earn their keep in the home.

I guess that you can tell that there is something wrong with this line before you go any further. What does this line remind you of? You got it right; wedding vows, however; have you ever heard the term betray line up next to love and honor? How does betrayal become a part of a vow that is supposedly a lifetime commitment between two people?

Before you start thinking that I am out of my mind, let me assure you that I am ok and you are ok as well, because this is a title of a book I was reading for the last couple of weeks for my book club. Basically; the book tells stories of 26 anonymous women, married women who have been, are into and think of having an affair.

This is an every day story and is as old as the human race. Ever since the marriage institution was created, infidelity was and still is one of the side effects that some marriages suffer from. Some of the women had terrible lives with their husbands and that’s according to their own words; I still feel that it is not fair to judge by hearing one side of the story, because this book never mentions the men’s side of the story. How would we know that these women are not just making up excuses to justify their actions?

I felt that the most honest ones were those who admitted that there was nothing wrong with their lives; they just wanted more and instead of seeking that from their husbands, they chose to go to another man and look for what they are lacking in their marriages. In almost all the stories, it was the emotional satisfaction, and in most cases, they stayed with the husband because of the kids and/or financial stability … honestly; I found that very selfish because if you are not happy with your husband, you should not stay in a marriage and make him and yourself miserable, and if you are staying because of your kids, then you would not think of hurting them by risking their well being and family balance and having an affair.

Anyway; this is not why I was inspired to write about this topic; it is actually the theory that we discussed as a part of the debate. It goes as follows: The late historian Lawrence Stone says that the median duration of marriage is the same today as it was 100 years ago, when mortality rates were much higher. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University, says: “The news is not that humans are adulterous, the news is that we pair up at all. I find it remarkable that we are not more adulterous.”

So, what the theory is suggesting is that monogamy might be an unnatural state, or at best a state that is difficult to maintain, and we were asked a question if we concluded that marriages are never meant to last as long as we expect them to today?

Now, isn’t that a scary thought?

I thought that this theory was missing out on the most important factor which is the people involved in the monogamous relationship. It takes at lease one couple to prove that it is possible to maintain such a relationship but through commitment, dedication and a lot of hard work because a marriage does not sustain itself by existing; in fact; it is only the beginning of the long way that two people committed to work together.

As we were discussing that monogamy is actually natural and possible; another idea popped up and that is that humans are not naturally monogamous and not programmed to be with one partner for life. Then polygamy joined the party and we starting discussing; how can monogamy be natural if polygamy is? I mean; polygamy is based on one human (man) maintaining relationships with multiple lifetime partners (women) … so which system is natural and which is not? And how can we say that both are when they totally work against one another?

Frankly; this is confusing … on one hand; if we say that monogamy is unnatural, how can we expect to live with one person for life? In fact; how can we say that marriage is a successful institution to begin with if it is based on something that is not normal and unrealistic? If we go ahead and get married with this conviction in mind, does this make infidelity expected and comes with the marriage package? Does this mean that we should not be angry and hurt if our spouses acted on their urges and had affairs or maybe lived another life?

On the other hand; if we say that monogamy is actually normal and that is the solid base on which you build a strong marriage; then how do we explain polygamy?

Interesting, ha?

I have received an email this morning from a friend of mine requesting help for a fellow human with a real tragic story. I believe in my heart that we can do something to help by extending a hand and spreading the word, so please read on …

Dear friends,

I’m writing you in regards to the email below from Father Kevin, the
priest of the English-Language Parish in Amman. One of the things that
I value in this church is its call to social action and part of that
is helping those who do not have any other means of support. In
regards to the situation outlined below, Father Kevin has gone to a
number of organisations but as he has found, while there are funds to
help Iraqis, Palestinians and others of Arab descent, this isn’t the
case when it comes to situations where Filipinos, Sri Lankans or
Sudanese get into a bind.

I know that we all have our own call to service where we expend our
resources (time and/or money), but if you are moved to help this one
individual with a donation of JD5-JD10, I believe that in numbers, we
can help this woman.

Feel free to contact Father Kevin directly or to reply to this message.

All my best,

This email was sent to my friend:

As I mentioned to you on the phone, I have been approached by the
actiing Labor Attache at the Philippine Embassy for assitance
concerning a Filipina, Maria Paz Facturan, who had been hospitalized
at the Italian Hospital for the past 3 weeks, since 23 December 2006.
Maria is 35 years old & has been in Jordan for more than 6 years, but
without a permanent job, & her income supports her son.

She went to the Italian Hospital complaining of severe stomach
pains (either from an ulcer or cancer), & the hospital staff judged
that her situation was severe enough to warrant immediate surgery,
which was performed the same day. I have spoken to Maria on the phone.
She is ready to be discharged, but she cannot be released from the
hospital until her outstanding bills are covered, or at least until
payment is reliably guaranteed. The acting labor attache told me that
Maria’s estimated total bill is between $2,500 & $3,500. I believe the
hospital has given her some reduction (probably from the fund
established by the Comboni Sisters to aid needy patients), but I was
told that she needs at least JD1,400 to cover the balance of her bill.
Each day that she remains hospitalize, her bills increase. I plan to
contact the hospital administrator as soon as possible after the
weekend to get an official statement of Maria’s situation & the amount
of her unpaid bill.

The labor attache told me that Maria had requested help from the
Philippine Embassy and from the Philippine Overseas Labor Organization
(POLO), but these entities do not have resources to help her,
especially since they are significantly over budget for the
maintenance of some 174 wards in the hostel that is maintained for
distressed Filipinas by the Philippine Embassy & the Philippine
Government’s Overseas Workers Welfare Association (OWWA).

I currently celebrate Mass weekly for residents at the OWWA
hostel, & I am acutely aware of the difficult circumstances under
which the residents are housed there, pending resolution of their
various cases or problems. In fact, during the past few months, I have
raised a total of JD 1,600 to purchase 61 mattresses (for residents
who had been sleeping on cardboard on bare floors, due to lack of
beds) & 120 blankets, as well as a further JD 731.350 to supplement a
major year-end shortfall in the hostel’s 2006 food budget (which had
been projected for only around 75 residents during 2006, rather than
the current 174 residents).

At present, the English-Language Parish has only about JD100
available to help with Maria’s medical crisis, & the acting Labor
Attache personally pledged a further JD 35 from his next salary
payment. I am intending to take special collections to help with
Maria’s medical expenses at all the parish Masses this weekend; the
collection at Friday noon’s Mass at Jabal Al-Weibdeh brought in JD
124.645 (for a total of about JD 260 so far). I hope to raise a
further JD 350 to JD 500 at the Saturday evening & 2 Sunday Masses
this weekend.

Given these factors, especially the importance of getting Maria
released very soon (so that the hospital bill will not continue to
grow), I am writing to ask for your advice & assistance in meeting
this new crisis. I will be most grateful for any guidance or
assistance you may be able to provide.

Cordially,
Fr Kevin
========================
Kevin G. O’Connell, S.J.
The Jesuit Center, Amman, Jordan
– Office Phone: +962 (6) 461-4190
– Cell Phone: +962 (79) 556-5062
– Fax: +962 (6) 461-1315
E-Mail: kgoc@jesuits.jo or oconnksj@bc.edu
Parish URL: www.wfu.edu/~horton/amman

Please feel free to make a direct contact with Father Kevin and spread the word to your friends!!

This is a topic that intrigues me and I have always wanted to write something about it, but I am not going to discuss whether we as women must or must not wear the veil as this is a point that has been exhausted with debate and discussions; it is one of these points that you cannot get something out of discussing them as each has his/her own conviction about it; so let’s just stay out of it.

I bet you are wondering now; if I don’t want to discuss the above-mentioned point, why am I bringing this issue up? And what is it that I want to discuss?

There is a certain thing that inspired this post; it is the fact that the society or maybe we can say people, have found another way to discriminate against women. We keep hearing news about how country X is forcing women to wear the veil in public places and how country Y is forcing them not to. We also hear about countries who don’t go as far as setting a public policy with or against the veil, but at the same time go by undeclared policies that determines how the public thinks, feels or reacts about women wearing or not wearing the veil.

It is a fact that women have and still do suffer from discrimination in any society, eastern or western, all the same. Each society has its own conceptions and misconceptions about women and where they stand in that society. Some societies or maybe all of them believe that women are taking away some of men’s rights and privileges by going out and being working productive individuals; coming from the “women belong at home” mentality. The funny thing is that they act differently when it comes to this specific point; we all know that women are paid less than their men counterparts for the same jobs, but this needs a separate post on its own.

Back to the veil issue and what brought it up on this blog. As usual; I was going through VIVA for this month and came across the VIVA Report; it is a piece by Laura Haddad about this very issue and it is titled; “Lifting the Veil”. Laura reports that she investigated the veil issue in our society and came with some disturbing facts that are worth sharing; that is exactly why I chose to write about this.

60% of women in Jordan choose to wear the veil; I say choose because we do not have public policies that force women to wear or not wear the veil. However; it seems that we do have undeclared policies against veiled women; Laura reports that the discrimination reached an extent that veiled women are not allowed in some restaurants and/or café’s in Amman. It has reached a point where a veiled woman’s choice of places to hang out is not hers anymore, it is rather made for her by such places’ owners and I think this is barbaric and a shame on our society in the first place.

Also; veiled women suffer from discrimination when it comes to applying for jobs; mainly in the private sector. The report mentions stories of real women whose job applications were rejected because they chose to be veiled.

As much as I am appalled by such actions and hidden policies; I am also angered by the fact that these women do not stand for themselves and practice their rights, given to them by the law and constitution. Why do they accept such insults without doing anything? I can understand that they will not be able to do anything when they are rejected after a job interview, because not all business owners say it clearly that the reason for rejection is the veil, however; when it happens in any other context, why accept it and turn the other way? Who will get you your right if you yourself would not do anything to help the cause?

Some of the very important points mentioned in the report is that wearing the veil has become the epitome of close-mindedness and backwardness; it is a common misconception these days that if a woman is wearing the veil, she cannot be sophisticated or open minded and by default is oppressed and does not own her decisions. 60% of Jordanian women are oppressed because they are veiled; I find this silly and not logical.

If we want to explore this point a bit deeper; it is quite the contrary; if a woman can make the veil choice freely, isn’t that open minded and the exact opposite of oppression? In fact; I am really proud and delighted that we do have the choice, because when one decides to wear or not wear the veil, she can be comfortable with her choice, except now, they have found a new way to make her question this choice and maybe become afraid to take the step.

Another interesting point in the report is that the discrimination can go the other way around; meaning that in certain parts of the country, or maybe even Amman itself, not wearing the veil is almost equal to a woman perceived as a slut, which makes women in these areas wear the veil because of cultural pressures and not because of religious reasons. I can strongly relate to this point as I do not wear the veil and I live in a close conservative community where 98.99% of women and girls are veiled, making me stand in the crowd as a misfit and out of the ordinary. I can confidently tell you from personal experience that I am treated with discrimination all the time, but I have always stood up for myself and my rights.

Why do other people’s choices of clothing or lifestyle affect us? Does modernization mean westernization? Why is it perceived that veiled women are oppressed and ignorant while unveiled women are modern and sophisticated? Why are we (women) being judged by a piece of fabric? Why does its existence or the lack of it determine how we are treated in our community and even determine our career level, places we hang at or even the choice of a life partner? When does this narrow mindedness and double standards stop ruling our lives and how we interact in our communities?

I remember that when HM Queen Rania was interviewed by Oprah; a whole part of the show was dedicated to talk about the veil and Oprah brought that up to HM the queen; to which she answered that the message we are trying to promote is: “judge a woman by what’s in her head, not what’s on her head”; I couldn’t have said that better even if I tried to.

Thank you Laura for the great report and I really wish that these places that do not allow veiled women in to be published so that women can stand up for their rights and do something about the issue. The way I see the whole thing; it is about us women and how we choose to lead our lives. I am not veiled, but I certainly do not accept that veiled women get discriminated against and be treated in such a humiliating manner; it is just appalling and primitive to be thinking this way. It seems that a lot of damage has been done to our society and religion at the same time; and it our own doing; religion is being hijacked by extremists and unfortunately; the true spirit of it was lost along the way; what a pity and a big shame!!

Update!!
I scanned the report for those of you who can’t get the magazine; enjoy!
Click on the images to enlarge and get a clear view